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... why does it smell like pumpkin pie?

Pumpkin Spice Latte.

It is not as feminine as it sounds. Just try it and have faith in my expansive caffeine experience.

But it's coffee. Coffee is supposed to smell like coffee.

Taste before you make decisions in haste, Sheriff.

The results may surprise you.

I find its better if I avoid your kind of "joy".

You wound me.

What do you have against delicious and stimulating beverages?

[ All right, all right, he'll taste... ]

Doesn't really taste like coffee either.

All right, all right. You can not blame me for wanting to slip something new into that routine of yours.

[Look, he was holding the regular coffee hostage. Just going to swap those out and drink a nice big swallow of that pumpkin spice. What? He likes all coffee, Graham. Do not judge him.

I like my routine, thank you.

[ He doesn't judge.

Okay, so maybe he judges a little bit. Mostly though he's just happy to have his coffee, his real coffee, free from Ripley's conniving clutches. ]

If I want pumpkin pie I'll have some of the quite frankly delicious one they serve over at the diner.

Where do you think I gathered the idea for this?

[Ripley clearly doesn't mind, judging from the bright smile he keeps while he drinks down his delicious creation.]

It certainly is a fine and fair pie.

We should pay that lovely establishment a visit. Or is your routine packed so full you can not share a meal with a friend?

You know, you don't actually have to take half an hour to say "let's have lunch."

[ You and your curiously old fashioned and long-winded little speeches. ]

[Hey, it is not him, it is those new agers and their curiously shortened and impersonally quick manner of speaking.]

But then I would not have you leaning on my words the way you are inclined to do when I speak.

[ Are you calling Graham's beautiful brogue impersonal, Ripley? ]

And that would just be a tragedy for eveyone involved.

[ Did you pick up on the sarcasm there? Might have been just a smidge too subtle, wouldn't blame you if you missed it. ]

It truly would. Who ever would I fill my afternoon conversations with, if not you? Perhaps Mary would be so kind as to indulge my attentions.

[Sarcasm? Why I never. Good sir I do not know the meaning of the word.]

Mary indulges everyone, I'm sure she could spare a moment or two for you as well.

[ Hitting the coffee again because Ripley is starting to give him a bit of a headache.

A very affectionate headache, however that works. ]

She indulges me often, actually. She does not seem to mind my manner of speaking at all.

[Another grin and oh, a headache you say? We know how to fix that Graham. What you need is a wind down. Playing tug of war with the terribly mean and vicious ball of puppy love known as Wolf]

You should toss a dog a bone and come over for a visit sometime. Wolf misses you. I think he pines in your absence.

[ Hey there, boy! Just let him get rid of the coffee first so he doesn't spill all over his uniform...

... again. ]

Hey, my man! [ Come here and give the sheriff a big sloppy kiss!

No, not you Ripley, the dog. ]

[Those five times were all excitable canine accidents.

And now Graham is getting a hot, wet tongue and a heavy weight trying to knock him down.

No, not Ripley- the dog. Obviously.

In what psychotic universe would it ever be Ripley trying to knock Graham to the floor to have his tongue on him?]

Let no one ever say Sheriff Graham is without a heart, for it beats heartily for the beasts.

[A crooked, amused grin. And yes, he did just go there, what are you talking about? That's not meta at all. He didn't mean that]

[Actually he had been planning on sleeping more, but between coffee disputes, lunch dates and sloppy make-outs - yes, the dog, obviously - this obviously wasn't happening.]

So when are you going to stop drooling over each other and just kiss already? Because this is just teasing.

[Yeah, he definitely means them and not the dog now.]

Oh, honey, you woke up the baby.

[ Talking to the dog and completely ignoring what Reynard said because the only one drooling here is Wolf.

And maybe Reynard a little bit in his sleep.

Right? ]

[Absolutely, Ripley certainly was not beginning to salivate over thoughts he was not having. Those were all Reynard's thoughts. Definitely. Absolutely. Probably.

He also does not look up when Graham says honey with a knitted brow of ~~hopeful~~ confusion. Stop projecting.]

And who is this, then? Another Storycrook, apprehended?

[Nope, still not meta. What's that about sitcoms?]

It's just my home away from home, sandman.

[Because narcoleptic. He's funny that way. He also sits up now and runs a hand through his hair, for all the good that doesn't do.]

Are you two faggots going to move on to first base soon or can I at least place my lunch order?

[He's part of the only openly gay couple in Storybrooke, he can call people faggot.]

Language, Reynard, and no, you can't.

[ Graham gets back to his feet and gives Rey a very tired look. ]

Your boyfriend called, he'll be over in about twenty minutes.

[ The implied "Thank God" is almost audible. ]

[Oh, right, that Reynard. Ripley glances at Graham, and Wolf who looks confused as to why he stopped getting Sheriff Love.]

Truly you seem to have a terrible memory for the laws of the town. Perhaps you should venture to the cafe more often. Caffeine does wonders for the memory, you know.

I got an excellent memory, I just like keeping our lonely Sheriff company.

[Is that a wink? Hell yeah, that's a wink. Let's see how hard it is to make a Ripley jealous.]

I don't like coffee much. Too bitter. Sheriff, can we borrow your handcuffs to play?

[ Only gay couple would imply an explanation to why in the hell Robin puts up with this idiot. Extremely limited supply.

At least that's Graham's current theory. ]

Sure, want the baton too? It's expandable.

[Keep your mouth shut, Ripley. Graham how could you?]

I think I would leave the task of entertaining you to your boyfriend.

I doubt I would trust the handcuffs in your hands rather than on your wrists.

It is a shame about the coffee, though. I make a Pumpkin Spice that would knock you right off your feet.

No need. I'm big enough.

[Confident enough, definitely.]

Maybe if you put enough sugar into it. So, since when are you two dating?

[He's innocently asking!]

We're not dating, now knock it off.

[ Seriously. ]

[Obviously. That would just be weird and unusual and completely not the point at all]

What makes you think I would let you, regardless of what size you were?

[A smirk at Reynard to hide the whatever the heck is going on in his head. He is not really sure but he is not touching that with a pole just now.]

You aught to keep that in your pants for your actual boyfriend.

[no homo no homo no homo god damn it come here Wolf, let's just play tug of war with one of the Sheriff's ties. This is what you get for the earlier comment Graham. You just try and get that tie away from Wolf. He'd like to see you try.

And possibly really like to see you try- what, no, because it is funny, not because he has been admiring your muscles. You're being obtuse. Or something.]

Aww. I was talking about doing it with my boyfriend, actually, but nice to know I have options. But you'll make the poor Sheriff jealous.

[Reynard is watching them both with that little smile on his face. That little smile that says he's definitely not buying Ripley's almost audible no homo mantra.]

You make a cute couple.

Not a cou-- not another tie, guys come on!

[ Yep, going to just ignore this whole disgussion in favor of trying to gently pry his tie out of Wolf's jaws.

He knows it's a lost cause but damn it, he's going to try! ]

I try to avoid things that make me too manic. It has, well, its not a good idea. I prefer tea.

...melted chocolate?

Tea can do nicely. A good black, a strong Rooibos, or an aromatic Chai. Any would do me quite nicely, though not quite the effect I gain from a strong, rich blend of coffee.

Any form of tea or coffee, I would take over the sugar laden sapper of energy they call soda. I do have some standards, it would seem.

Little miss, if melted chocolate is what you desire, I am certain I can prepare a rich cup of cocoa.

My personal choice of caffeine is of the coffee bean variety, but the cacao is a fair choice indeed.

well, it's just you said Joy, not... Rocket Fuel... Don't get me wrong, I love coffee like I love the sunshine but I wouldn't call Coffee 'Joy'. Life blood, energy, fuel... A good chunk of organic choco tho.... Or Strawberries maybe. You could have a whole cup of mashed up strawberries in a cup! Or OMG strawberries with chocolate on them! And if we had a cup of coffee to go with em, we'd both be pretty joyful I bet.

You have very interesting ideas, to be sure. I am not so keen on the strawberries, but the chocolate and coffee, now there is a match I can get behind. A bit of mocha would do quite nicely for me.

If we are discussing fine fruits, I think, perhaps, I would settle for blueberries.

Dude. Really? You seriously don't do strawberries? Are you... evil?

Evil? I should hope not. That would be a devastating revelation to discover after all this time of believing I was a moderately good guy.

Not a "Nice guy" I hope. ew.
But seriously, you don't think a cup full of strawberries isn't one of the best things ever? That's so weird, dude.

That I understand. A nice black tea. Darjeeling. Something with a rich flavor.