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Just the little-g kind, or have you had it with The Big Guy, as well?

[Pardon his bias. He is an angel.]

((Allow me to just leave this link here, in case you weren't aware this SPN dressing room existed. :)? ))

[Sam scrubs his hands over his face, sighing.]

I haven't decided yet.

[ooc: I was completely unaware XD Thank you!]

Fair enough. I wouldn't blame you. [Because, really, Sam's had a pretty raw deal from the get-go. Angels like Zachariah were ready to dismiss him as a sinful abomination, which is true, but he was set up to make a number of his mistakes.

You can't believe in fate over free will, and then blame people for taking a dark path. Heaven wanted to have its cake and eat it, too. Maybe the Host got what it deserved.]

((NP!))

It's hard to fit what I've always believed with what I've seen with my own eyes.

I don't want to believe that that's how He is. He isn't supposed to be distant and uncaring.

[Balthazar could tell him all about distant and uncaring. But he won't, because Sam is extremely skilled at puppy eyes, probably without conscious effort.]

I've never met him, so I couldn't say. But what made you decide on your beliefs in the first place, out of curiosity?

[Sam thinks about it for a long moment, trying to find the right way to word things.]

Growing up, all I knew about was evil. Creatures that would kill you as soon as look at you. I had to believe that there was more than that. That somewhere there was good. God made the most sense, so that's what I chose to believe in.

[Balthazar occasionally tilts his head to one side, just like Castiel does. Like now. Possibly the effect is less innocent puzzlement and more like a tiny crack forming in a wall of cynicism.

In short, Sam might not be able to tell, looking at him, but he's actually rather touched.] You're saying that because you saw nothing but darkness around you, you decided to believe in light? I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say that before.

[Sam shrugs, not particularly impressed with himself. He and Dean had had opposite reactions to the life they led, Sam opting for religion and Dean for atheism. But it worked for both of them. Until angels came into the mix and proved there was a God. They're both still trying to deal with the discovery.]

I did what I had to do to keep going.

[Fair enough. Balthazar sort of understands Dean's conclusions. Sam...he's still trying to figure out.]

We all do that. Sometimes I wonder if God is somewhere feeling worn out at the end of a long day, looking through the liquor cabinet for something to take the edge off, the way the rest of us do.

I've never tried to humanize Him. He was supposed to all-knowing, all-powerful. Supposed to give a damn about Earth and the people he put on it. Supposed to take responsibility for his actions.

[Sam's trying not to sound bitter, but finding out everything you believed your whole life isn't true is a little upsetting.]

Instead, he left us all to die. Let the angels dissolve into a civil war.

[Now, that second part sounds more like Balthazar's own opinion. He smiles wryly.]

But He still gave us existence. Who are we to demand He give a damn about us on top of that? I don't know. I think He's out there, and He has a Plan, it's just not the one we thought he had. And it may not be one we'll enjoy participating in.

That sounds about right. Unless he's dead like so many angels seem to think.

[After all, the only proof they have that he's still living is the word of one angel, who told them that God didn't think the apocalypse was his problem. Sam hardly thinks that's proof at all.]

I think Death would have told us if he'd reaped our Father. Not that he's ever been fond of us, but it seems like the sort of thing he'd mention. But I could be wrong.

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