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Uh oh. You don't look happy. What's up?

*he crosses his arms. He is angry and hurt and it shows*

You sound like a kid past curfew who's afraid she's in trouble. Don't you care that I'm upset at all? Or would you rather me just be upset as long as I'm not angry at you? As long as you aren't "in trouble" ?

Edited 2008-11-06 20:52 (UTC)

Whoa! Holy shit! Back this bus up a little. What the fuck?!

Of course, I don't want you upset! I don't want you angry with me either but that doesn't trump whatever's going on with you. What IS going on with you? Where in the hell is this coming from?

Have I ever gotten mad at you or around you for no reason before? This isn't normal behavior for me! Aren't you going to ask if I'm alright?

I never said that it was for no reason. You just came out yellin' so I thought I should get more information. Besides, It's pretty effin' obvious that you're not alright. So tell me what's going on so I can help fix it.

Well I am angry! Because of things you said. You're half of this relationship. You can make it be my fault that we're committed and not flousying around or whatever. It doesn't make me girly or unmanly or un.. anything to want to commit myself to only you and expect the same in return. So don't paint a picture that they are my limits. They are limits we agreed on. You just as much! So. S-so Ss-o accept me or or o-rrr find someone else because my feelings for you are not likely to change!

Edited 2008-11-06 21:15 (UTC)

*blinks and jaw drops* What?! Baby, I do accept you! I mean I know I make jokes about how you're girlie but I thought it was pretty obvious that they were just jokes. If anything it's more of a statement of how NOT girlie I am and I'm SUPPOSED to be the girl.

Look, *reaches for his hand* I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like I'm not in this 100% because I am. I may not be writing "I love Andy" posts in some caffeinated stupor but I've never been more committed to anyone in my life. I don't know how many ways to say it, Andy. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

So you think I'm masculine? Because I am masculine. I'm a poet but I'm also a jock. I've gone repelling 300 feet up in Australia and then shagged a girl's brains out who I met on the way. I can be a pig. I've snorted cocaine and then had an orgy with 8 people I had just met and then woke up in an outhouse in Canada. Do you want me to go on? I act the way I do because I felt like I wanted to grow up. I'm heartfelt because you're all I ever think about. I can change that if it makes you think less of me, which it apparently does, but it will take a while.

*looks at her*
There's something else too though.

You don't have to prove anything to me. That crap doesn't prove anything anyway. Drugs don't make you manly. That's not what I want anyway. I don't think less of you. I... I just don't handle emotional stuff so well and it's just easier for me to make jokes. I'm sorry. I don't think less of you. I've never thought less of you. Not once.

What else?

I don't do drugs anymore and you know it. I haven't had a cig in nearly a month or a joint in nearly 3 weeks because I know you hate it. You only ever refer to me as a geek or a girl. I want to know, do you find me masculine at all?

I saw your conversation with James. Why would you TELL HIM that I'm threatened by him? What makes you think you have the right to share my insecurties?!!! You're just dripping with lust at every word he says and then go on to TELL HIM that he threatens me? That really hurt, Lauren. And then you say they are MY stipulations? They were yours too when we decided them! We were together with this, united before you make it sound like you'd already be in bed with him if it weren't for me. It hurts.

I didn't say that you still do. I know that you don't. And I don't ONLY refer to you as a geek and a girl. I told you I was joking around. Hell, you refer to yourself as a geek WAY more often. I didn't know that it bothers you. Of course I think you are masculine. There is nothing NOTHING sexier to me than when you take control. I thought you knew that.

...I don't know why I told him. I guess to offer him some consolation. I'm sitting there talking about how great our sex life is and the poor guy hasn't been with anyone since me. He's still pining over this other girl and we were flirting. I got it in his head that we all might be able to have some fun together but then you weren't going for it. I mean you saw all that but did you see the part where I stopped everything to talk to you? Did you see the part where I straight told him it wasn't going to happen until you changed your mind?

It sounds terrible because I know that it's like the last thing he wants but I feel so bad for him. He's trying to be happy about the music stuff but he's always so heartbroken and it kills me. It makes it worse because I know that he had some feelings for me and part of me wishes that I could be the one to heal his heart. I wish that I could show him the kind of love that I show you every day because I've been in his spot. I've gotten to witness people being blissfully happy all around me but never with me. I've already told him that my heart belongs to you. He knows that I could never be the person he needs. I just thought maybe together we could ease at least the physical for him and have some fun to boot. If I had known it was going to cause such problems between us I never would have brought it up.

Yes you do. You called us the geek and the jock to Adrian. I'm sorry skating doesn't count as a sport to you. You don't tell people you love me because I'm your man you say I'm a dork or geek but you love me anyway. Tell me again. I want to hear it again. Do you think I'm masculine?

*anger flickers in his eyes* You MAY NOT use ME and MY ISSUES to offer anyone consolation. You have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER. That's such a violation I can't even put it into words. *trying to take a deep breath but not doing well. He feels like she made him vulnerable, like anytime he talks to James he might as well be naked* I saw that part. I also saw the part where he said he wasn't into guys which is where you should said it was off because I told you I only wanted to do it if I could join in. I said I wouldn't watch. You said that was okay. Now, I'm sorry for James being in love with someone who doesn't love him back, I'm sorry he's having a hard time but his story isn't unique. Remember back when I was in his exact position but probably with a longer dry spell? I've been there and that wasn't my first time. But I didn't get to have somebody else's girlfriend offering herself to me, which is what you were at the time. I don't know how you could have thought it wouldn't cause problems since the only big fight we've ever had was about James.

The only heart I care about healing is yours and I wish you felt the same for me. There's more to being committed than to just agree to be exclusive sexually. I'll wait for you while you sort out your feelings for James. That might be what has to be done for us to get past this and I don't mean you shagging him. By the way. *drops a stack of 6 or 7 marble composition books obviously well worn and thumbed in front of her* I wrote all this about you, since I realized I loved you. Go on, read it. Read all of it. That's what you want isn't it?

*sighs* I was generalizing. I'm more into the physical stuff. You're more into the literary stuff. I have told PLENTY of people that I love for who you are, for what you do to me and how you make me feel. Yes, I joke around and it's totally going to stop now that I know that it bothers you but I didn't know! You are all man to me, Andy. There is no question.

*winces at her ability to dig an even bigger hole and hurt him in the process* He said that he wasn't into guys but EVERYTHING about the way he said said he wasn't so sure. He has no experience with men! Who knows what he would feel in the moment! I mentioned the watching early into the conversation but after that, after I talked to you, I never meant to make it sound like you wouldn't be joining in. I mean if you were just watching why would it be an issue about him marking you?

I thought you were passed this! I thought after the last time that this was done. I'm sorry. I forget everyone isn't able to just be done with stuff like I am. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry.

*rushes over to him* Wait! Wait, don't go please. *eyes well up* I know you're mad at me but don't go. Stay. Yell at me. Whatever you want. Just don't leave. It's not like that with him. Andy... I don't have to sort anything out. I'm attracted to him but not the way I am with you. Not even close. I love YOU not him. I just wish I could help him. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. How can I fix this? What do I do? Tell me what to do.

It doesn't bother me that you joke around, just that you do it so much. I just hate that those kind of stipulations exist at all in society. Like people asking Jay and Tim who's the girl and things along those lines. It's the same. Just because I like to read doesn't mean I'm not active and into physical things.

He only said he wasn't into guys AFTER you said the thing about him marking me. It's FINE that he's not into guys, he doesn't have to be! Come on Lauren! Doesn't it make sense that if we're going to be physical with someone TOGETHER they have to be into both of us? The fact that this stuff didn't occur to you is so ridiculous to me. The fact that you knew I was threatened by him should have been ENOUGH for you to know that if you want to be in a relationship with me you can't want to have sex with him! But you do. There's something about him you can't let go of. So really. Go on and make peace with it. I meant it when I said I'd wait.*turns away, can't stand to see her crying* Read the poems. You know where to find me if you want me.

I know that. I didn't... *sighs* I didn't mean it like that.

But he's into the experience! He's not up to taking it up the butt or going down on you but he's being so open minded to the other possibilities. If I thought that it was as hard a no as you are making it sound like I never would have agreed to it. Like I told him, it's no fun if all people aren't having fun.

HEY! I told you over and over that we didn't have to do it. I told you I was happy with it just being us or us and Adrian and YOU insisted!

So because we are together I should never be attracted to anyone else but you?! Then what in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

NO! *grabs his arm and spins him back to face her* What are you talking about?

How did you mean it?

The experience? *laughs bitterly* He's into you being naked Lauren! Jesus! Don't be so crass, but since you are, what might the other possibilities be? Having sex with you, having you go down on him. Am I missing something? *big eyes* But you wanted it! I wanted to be into it so I'd I thought I'd give it a try but not when I saw all this. You crossed a line. Why can't you try to see it from my point of view? You put your soul next to mine, you'd think after that this would be easy.

No! You can't be attracted to other people. You're supposed to be attracted to me! Your bloody soul mate! Unless of course that's Shawn.

Goddmanit Lauren! *yanks his arm away* Read the fucking poems. Listen to his music. If you still want me, deal with your feelings for James and then come back to me. I refuse to give you an ultimatium so I guess you don't have to read the poems but I'm giving them to you anyway. Use them for kindling if that's what you want.

It was just generalizing. I know that you can be more than one. I mean I'm not a complete idiot just because I didn't go past high school and I like sports. It was just talk!

I DON'T KNOW!! I've never been with two guys but almost all the stuff I've ever seen just had the girl be the meat in a very fun sandwich. I thought it would be like that. I figured Adrian would be more about you since you two have history and I wanted to see you with him anyway. I didn't think you'd mind if I got to be the center of this one.

It was just a fucking idea! After how upset you got, I didn't even want to tell you but you just kept pushing! I said that it was just a dumb idea but you said that it would help you get over your insecurity. YOU said it was something you needed to do so I told him it was a go. How in the HELL can I keep up or try to see anything from your point of view when NOTHING FUCKING MATCHES!?! You say one thing or nothing but you mean something else and we are fine right up until the point where you crack! You think I want this?! You think I just wake up in the morning plotting how I can hurt you? I touched your soul bone head but that doesn't me I can always read between the lines! I can't even fucking understand poetry and that's written down!

How in the HELL can I help that exactly? Tell me how I can WILL my body not to respond to another person! Oh go fuck yourself. You are NOT bringing up that weak ass meme. A game. A fucking randomizer the computer picked out!

*Grabs his shirt and slams him against the wall* I want YOU, you fucking prick! There is NOTHING to think about. There is nothing to consider! Ultimatum decided. It's you! It will always be you! *kisses him hard*

I didn't imply that you were stupid or uneducated!!

*pause* I thought you had. I'm sorry. Honestly though, I don't think you'd enjoy that. You didn't seem to like anal that much when we did it. *shrug* Plus he might be uncomfortable. When you do that there's only a thin bit of tissue separating both pricks. That might make him uncomfortable. FINE! You know what? I have a problem saying no to you. I know you really wanted to do it. I didn't really think you'd TELL HIM that I was insecure. It was kind of absurd that you would even have the idea! Like you said you knew it was going to upset me, you tried to butter me up! The fact that you had the audacity to do that just proves that you have feelings for James. I'm literally throwing my poems at you. Read them.

I don't know. Fine be attracted to other people but for godsake! Don't flirt with them! I don't go around flirting with other do I? Because flirting implies interest and I have no interest in anyone but YOU. Remember when I asked you out and we HAD this conversation?

FUCK. Commit to me then. Stop wanting James and other people. *returns the kiss with ferocity*

I didn't say that you did! God, will you stop putting words in my mouth!

No. I told you the only times I've been with more than one person at a time was three girls and then Hank and Eliza. In fact, I flat out told you that it was a fantasy of mine to be with two guys at once.

Yeah. I thought so too but when I brought up that it might be uncomfortable for a straight guy, he didn't seem bothered by it. Another reason for me to say he seems open minded about the whole thing. As for anal, it hurt but you are kind of a wide guy and I'm not that big of a girl. I still enjoyed it though. I would have thought the screaming orgasm was a dead give away.

FUCK ANDY!! This is exactly what I was talking about. Didn't I say this would happen? Didn't I say it was going to make you blow up like this and you just kept insisting that that could never happen. Why in the hell do we even talk about stuff if you aren't going to be honest about it?! You know what? This time YOU can be the one to tell him its off. I'm done fucking with the guy's head. You should have just let it be over when I told you that I already told him no.

I will! We're sort of ARGUING at the moment! I'll fucking get to it!

Yeah and I distinctly remember telling you during that conversation that I'm a flirt, it happens, and that any guy that was with me would either have to be just as bad about it or cool with it because a lot of times I don't even realize when I'm doing it. I flirt with my friends. This goes back to puberty. I thought you were okay with it! Or was it only okay as long as I was with Tommy flirting with you?

I AM committed to you! I'm getting you tattooed on my fucking body. I talk about having your babies. I fucking proposed to you. What more do you want?

*Moans and slides her hands up into his hair pulling it sharply*

You put them in my mouth first! I was spitting them out again!

Yes you did say that. I was stubborn and I just admitted my problem to you if you were listening. I should have just said no in the first place, you win this bit okay? Fine I will talk to him. A lot of blokes in my position would beat the crap out of him of but rest assured I won't.

Oh fuck off. I don't feel that way and you know it. Can't you just try to be better? Just try?

Just one more thing! Don't look at anyone the way you look at me. Don't flirt with anyone the way you flirt with me. Don't flirt with other people!

*he hoists her up so he's holding her under her arm pits as he roughly continues the kiss*

Bullshit!

Oh well, that's generous of you. I'm glad you can find it in your heart not to beat the shit out of my friends.

Be better than what?! I ASKED you what you wanted from me. I practically begged for perameters so that I knew where I could and couldn't go. I did that because I didn't want this! I didn't want to overstep some invisible line and hurt you! I never wanted to hurt you. And I stayed within the lines! You said to always talk to you first. I did! And I didn't do anything with him without you there. That's what you told me so that's what I did.

I don't think I could look at anyone the way I look at you. I've never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. *calms down a little* Look, I can try I really can but it's not like it's just James. I've never had a conversation with Aryn or Pepper or Shawn or a lot of people that didn't have some form of innocent flirting. Granted, I was flirting hardcore with James. I won't do that anymore. I won't but I don't want to say that I'll never flirt again if I'm not 100% sure I can keep it.

*Wraps her arms around his neck and legs around his waist as she devoured his kiss*

*ignores the first two comments*

Things changed Lauren! You fucking touched my bloody soul! How could that not have changed anything for you? It changed everything for me! Did it mean anything to you? Anything at all? I've never been closer to anyone and it set something off in me - something that made me feel like I never wanted to be close to anyone else in that capacity. I can't believe you didn't feel anything similar. It's one thing to be affectionate with someone but to have this desire to heal someone else's heart? No. I won't share you, Lauren. I won't. My soul and heart, they work for yours, only yours after that. *swallows* Maybe we should talk about boundaries again.

With anyone, yes? You won't flirt hardcore with anyone? *tiny smile* That's all I asked - for you to tone it down a lot with James and to try not to flirt with others as much.

*never comes up for air, just keeps getting more intense and keeps pressing his lips harder and harder against her. His nails dig into her scalp hard*

Of course, it changed things! I've never felt closer to anyone in my life but I would never do anything like that with James. I was just talking about sex. I said that part of me wished that I could but I CAN'T! I'm not that person to him. Even if I tried to force it it would never work because I'm yours. God! Take the fucking compliment! Oh yeah! Because talking has worked so well for us so far. Don't you mean I talk and you nod in agreement until I actually try to implement something then you blow up on me?

No. Okay, I get it. Flirting is bad. I'll work on it.

*Pants against his bruising kiss matching his anger and frustration with her own until the slightest hint of metal invaded her taste buds. It was uncertain to her if she was bleeding or him but she never stopped.*

Edited 2008-11-07 15:20 (UTC)

*closes his eyes and breathes deeply for about a minute without saying anything. He wants to try as hard as he can to be rational*

When you tell me about your desires to heal James's heart I feel like you are saying it wasn't meaningful to you. I would expect you to have empathy for him but not to wish that you personally could fix it. You are MY girlfriend, it's not your job to heal other people. I am guilty of that! I know that! This fight shows me I can't be! It's not healthy. So if it's okay with you I'd like to have another conversation about boundaries. A real one where I won't nod in agreement. Is that alright? Is that too much to ask?

Thank you. It shouldn't be a great big sacrifice or anything.

*blood drips from the corner of one of their mouths, he thinks it his but he's not sure. He still doesn't break the kiss as a single tear falls down his cheek*

Well, what you are feeling is wrong because that's not what I was saying. This is me flat out telling you that it was meaningful. It was the single most incredible moment of my life and I didn't think that sort of thing was even possible. But just because I love you doesn't me that I don't care about him. It doesn't mean that I can just sit there while he's hurting and say too myself "Oh well, sucks to be him". I feel things, okay? I'm not a fucking robot. I see him hurting and I wish I could fix it. Have I? Have I done a GOD DAMN thing? No. And I wasn't going to do anything without you. I care about him. I want him to be happy. I thought we'd all have some fun. It might not be the lasting kind of happy but a little positive to throw in with the doom and gloom might do him some good. I don't see how THAT equals that I'm secretly madly in love with him!

You try shutting down a lifelong personality trait and lets see how open you'd be to sarcasm right now.

*Lungs burn and she finally has to rip her mouth from his so she can breathe* F..fuck *pants and stares at him. One of her hands come up to his face and wipes away the blood.*

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