sixwordstories | (no subject)

Hey, man. Sorry, I didn't see this before. What's up?

*rocks on his heels awkwardly* Hey, uh, how are you doing?

[Shoves his hands into his pockets] Oh, you know, the usual. Losing faith in humanity. Wanting to stuff my ears with cotton balls so I don't have to hear Christmas music yet. You?

Little early for Christmas carols isn't it?

Trying to quit smoking. *looks away* Fighting with Lauren a lot these past couple days.

That's what I figure. I guess they have to start the brainwashing earlier with the economy the way it is. Force people to go out and buy shit they don't need.

That's good. [Frowns] That's not. What about? The whole -- you know? If that's causing more problems than it is good, we don't have to ... you know. I don't want to wreck something that's going well.

I guess gas prices are going down so they figure people have more money to spend on stocking stuffers. I love Christmas but it's not about the presents.

Yeah, I was doing sort of good before, but uh, yeah. *frowns* Well, I'm not crazy about the idea of sharing her to be honest, but I think for me it goes deeper than that.. I uh, well it's not your fault, you've not done anything wrong so don't think that but uh, do you have feelings for her?

No, it's not. Try and tell that to a capitalist society.

[Frowns again, shoving his hands in deeper] Honestly, I had been joking around about the whole threesome idea, but she had seemed excited about it, so I felt -- I don't know, I guess that it was worth trying once. Obviously, the fantasy is usually two girls, but ... I figured I couldn't get picky in the situation.

Andy, honestly, if I was in your place, I wouldn't be too keen on the idea of sharing her, either. Or anyone I was dating, not just her. Like I said, the conversation sprouted out of nowhere and I really hadn't any intention of following through on what I was saying. I was just joking that I needed to broaden my sexual horizons, more meaning that I had to find myself a girlfriend or something, but -- she took it differently.

[Looks at him for a moment before scratching behind his ear] Look, I don't know how much you know about what happened between me and Lauren. She told me that she told you what had happened when she came to see me in New York, but I don't know if she told you anything beyond that. I'll be honest: I did have feelings for her at the time, but I was halfway involved with someone else (which ended up blowing up in my face, as it is) and I knew I couldn't be for Lauren what she needed. So, I let it go and I pursued something with the other person, which ended up exploding, and moved out to California as a result.

To make a long story longer, I did have feelings for her, at one point in time. Once I found out that she was dating you, and that she was happy, the feelings faded. She had said it herself: I was more wrapped up in the idea of finding someone than I was in dating her for who she was.

I'm sorry. I've never been good at giving concise answers. It's a disease of being an English teacher.

*shrugs* Material world I guess it is.

*lits a cigarette and listens carefully as James speaks*

My problem is that she is so keen on being shared. I can't say no to her even when I should, even when she would want me to. Because I know she's keen on being shared but not if it makes me uncomfortable because she loves me. I know that. But I still can't get it through my thick skull when it comes to you and I know why that is. It's because we're so alike. We're both quiet guys, who are into reading and the like but the difference is you're also a hunk with a guitar and I'm just a gawky kid with a skateboard. I know Lauren doesn't think that way and I know you probably don't think that way. It's entirely my problem and I guess I don't know how to deal with it. I don't mean to make you feel awkward or but in the middle of this situation but here it is. Lauren cares so much about you. She says she doesn't have feelings for you but whatever you are you are really important to her and she's attracted to you. Very much so I would think. So... I don't know what to do but now I'm being honest at least. This is other bit. I'm jealous of you. I'm jealous of the effect your voice has on her. I wish I had that ability with my writing but it's not her thing and I need to accept that.

I like you, James. I think if I can get past all this and if Lauren gets better about flirting with you, you and I could be good friends.

[Watches the butt of the cigarette light up and then cool down as Andy speaks, then lets out a sigh]

Lauren's certainly different from other girls I've met before; not only for her willingness to be everyone's friend, in whatever capacity, but also her confidence in herself. Her strong will and sense of self is refreshing, and I think it's why so many people are drawn to her. She knows that she's worth sharing -- not that way, but she knows that she's got something to offer people. She's given me advice when I thought I couldn't get out of the dark, she lends a shoulder to cry on without hesitation. And she knows that she is someone worth knowing; I think that's why she's so keen on being shared.

I - I mean, I really don't ... see myself that way. [Rubs the back of his neck] I mean, the guitar was completely on accident and it just started because I was bored and needed another outlet for what I was feeling. Writing didn't do it for me anymore. Once I realized that I was half-way decent, I decided to pursue it a little further. Lauren's actually the one who got me to open up about it. Before her, I kept it to myself, stayed locked in my apartment whenever I was playing and singing.

Even if she is attracted to me, Andy, it's on a primal base. It's physical attraction, and obviously, physical attraction fades quicker than .. [Motions to the cigarette] Quicker than the embers on your cigarette. What she has with you? What she has with you goes so much deeper than that; and I can see it whenever she talks about you. Her face lights up, her eyes sparkle in ways I haven't seen before, even her voice changes. That's not the type of thing that a whimsical physical attraction can shake.

As far as the guitar goes? It doesn't take much to learn it. Anyone can be decent, or least convince others that they're decent. Case in point: me. I've managed to get better at the showmanship, but if anyone had heard me when I started, they would've been begging for a quick and painless death. Believe me. I could always teach you, if you wanted.

You seem like a great guy, Andy, and I've told Lauren that. I've expressed my genuine happiness for her, and for you, and for who you are together. I know that I tend to provoke things with her without realizing. She and I are similar in that we both have flirtatious personalities, and most of the time, I don't even realize that I'm doing it. It's just a part of who I am, and I think it's just a part of who Lauren is. But I think that if you realize that nothing would happen between she and I, it'll be easier to accept. Our words sound lofty, but they're really lacking weight.

Before was different; before, she wasn't dating you and things were casual. Now that she is, it's territory I don't cross into. I made that promise to myself a long time ago, after I had it happen to me. You don't have to worry about that with me.

I'd like to be friends with you. But you can't force change and you can't force yourself to think differently; it just has to happen on its own. And if it helps, I meant what I said - I don't ever get involved with someone who is already involved with someone else, not if I know about it. It's not something you have to worry about.

Edited 2008-11-07 17:30 (UTC)

See, I shouldn't be jealous because I know those things are true and I love that they are. She constantly does these things for me too and more. It's like I've got something wrong with me, I want her all for myself but the way you speak wanting that would be like doing a disservice to the world or something. She's... so she's so out of my league it's incredible every second that she's with me. I guess I jut hold on a little too tight.

That's how I feel about skating. I got a skateboard for Christmas when I was 9 and I was too scared to ride it but one day I just did and it was so exhilarating I didn't want to stop. I imagine the guitar might be that way for you? I just want to share everything I love with Lauren but obviously she can't be expected to love everything I do can I? I do have a guitar but right now that would feel desperate for you to teach me I think. *shy smile* I think James, Lauren must appreciate us for different things like anyone would with their friends.

I love her, James. More than anything. More than I feel anything or ever have or ever will. I'm so scared of ruining it that it's getting ruined in the process. I appreciate you telling me all this, I think getting everything into the air is the best thing we can do. Is there anything that I can do that would help you through this? Or at all? I understand you're going through a rough patch and I want to help. Other than lending you my girlfriend's body that is. I wish I could be okay with that because I know it would help you out of the "doom and gloom" as she put it but I just can't be. I'm sorry.

Sometimes, when you know you've got something amazing, it makes it harder to let go. Because you think to yourself, "If I know how wonderful this person is, others definitely do, and then I run the risk of losing her." Believe me, I've been there, and I know what you're going through first-hand. I don't think anyone is out of anyone's league, honestly. I think we make ourselves feel that way so that we can better accept our perceived inadequacies that, more often than not, aren't even there. We hold tight to things we can't bear to lose.

Sort of, yeah. I keep writing songs about the girl I had left behind in New York; she hasn't been entirely happy about some of them (the most recent was on the angry side), but I can't stop them. They just happen. And I don't think we can except someone else to be as passionate as we are about something we love, but if they show it respect, and they show it acceptance, I think that's good enough. It's the opening of new doors that makes everything more exciting. You never know; Lauren could warm up to all of that in time.

I can tell, just by talking with you. [Laughs a little] Andy, man, I don't think this conversation should turn towards me. It's just been a slump that I've found myself in, but I've been in worse before. I know I'll get out of it because I have to. Because I'll will myself to. It's just taken time. I'm not too worried about it, though.

And you don't have to share her -- not that way, I mean. Just treat her well, alright? If you don't, I'll have to hunt you down. [Nudges him jokingly with his elbow]

*nods, deciding that he believes him*
I've been there before too, before this. I guess that's part of it, I'm afraid of a repeat of the past. But Lauren isn't the girls from my past. I just, I don't know James. She could suffocate if I keep holding her so close.

Why did you have to leave her behind? She wasn't into New York? *nods* She loves like 80 percent of the things I love there's just some things, some big things. I understand what you said. I think its true. In theory relationships should be all about that shouldn't they? Opening new doors? I really appreciate you pointing that out, James. That really puts somethings in focus for me.

*chuckles* It can be about you a little. You told me you didn't have friends out here. We want to be your friends. I still think the three of us could hang out. You know, with clothes on. *grins*

*laughs and kisses James's cheek* Don't worry mate. It's my full intention to do so.

It's frightening, Andy, and I don't think anyone is holding that against you. Like I said, you hold onto things that you can't bear to lose. And you hold them tighter. But there comes a point where you are secure enough to let go; not entirely, but enough. You'll reach that point and it'll be okay.

[Thinks for a moment] I had to leave her behind because of the situation we were in. It was dangerous for the both of us, and I left for her sake. My being around would have caused more damage than good, and I couldn't bear doing that to her.

[Locked]
[Pauses before sighing] She was pregnant, with her boyfriend's -- or whatever he was -- baby. He came and threatened my life for talking to her, which didn't really bother me, but it was the fact that he was threatening her, as well, that pissed me off. She and I met up for coffee to figure out what we were going to do, if anything. It ended up with me leaving the table, and leaving her, because she had chosen him. And I respect her decision, I do. But I knew that if I stayed there, everything would haunt me. And somehow, her boyfriend would find out about our talk and I didn't want to risk anything happening to her. So, I left. And here I am.
[/Locked]

I have ... two friends, other than you and Lauren. [Laughs] That counts for something, doesn't it? I'd like that, though. I already know that Lauren and I get along well -- and it seems like you and I do, too, so ... I don't see why not. [Smiles] I'm going to be the third wheel, aren't I?

[Laughs, then nods] Good. I just had to make sure.

When do I reach that point? How do I convince myself to reach that point? Because I feel secure in my relationship with Lauren I just can't seem to let go even a little.

[locked] I'm sorry mate. That's rough. Her man acted disguistingly. It sounds like her boyfriend has issues, I would have been concerned too. And what a burn, her selecting the man who basically abused her over a kinder man like you. It's admirable how you were able to respect her decision. You don't think he'll hurt her or the baby again do you? [/locked]

*chuckles* We're mates now, Lauren can be the third wheel. *grins* I should introduce you to some of my boys who live in the area. You'd fit in easily.

*grin* Of course, of course.

I don't know, man. I just know that you do. And one day, you just wake up and realize it, and things get a little easier. You might feel secure in your relationship, but if you're not ready to loosen the grip, chances are you're not as secure as you think. It's a matter of coming to understand yourself, and understand who you are with the other person, and who they are with you ... and trusting that even if you let go, and even if something goes wrong, it'll be okay. You just kind of have to leave it up to something bigger sometimes, you know?

[locked]Don't worry about it; I know the guy's got issues, but I did all that I could in that situation. I figure that he wouldn't have said anything to me if he didn't perceive me as a threat. It was just that I truly and honestly cared for her and the baby; I wanted to make sure they were well taken care of and protected. I think he saw it more as a marking of his territory. I don't know how things are going now between the two of them, though. I don't ask about it much, just as she doesn't ask about my love life. I will be seeing her soon ... We've decided to take a small trip together, just to catch up and so she can get out of the house. She was in a car accident recently, and she didn't tell me about it. Kind of threw me into a weird place. I have to see her now.[/locked]

Lauren can be the third wheel, huh? [Laughs] Sounds good to me, man. You think? I'd appreciate that, Andy. All of my friends are on the east coast or elsewhere. No one's really out here. Sans two people.

I've never been this happy before, I guess I just wanted everything to be super easy all the time. Pretty delusional of me. *chuckles, ashamed of his thinking* I guess being that secure is something I'll have to work on. I told her going in that I sucked at relationships. Poor Lauren. Luckily she's generally very patient.

[locked] I'm so sorry for you, mate, that you keep being perceived as a threat to other guy's girlfriends. There must be something about you I suppose. You don't deserve whatever the reasons. *smiles, thinking about how uncomfortable he would be if James and Lauren took a trip just the two of them and then feels ashamed, even a guy who threatens his girlfriend is more secure than Andy. He needs to get over this* That sounds nice, where are you going? It will be good to catch up won't it? [/locked]

Sure. She can take it. But really who needs to be a third wheel? We can be one of those new super earth friendly motorcars that needs all three wheels to move. *laughs* Well now you've got lots more mates.

[Laughs] I think everyone wants things to be super easy, and perfect, and without turmoil. And for a while, it usually is. No one can blame you for that. [Smiles] You can ask her for help, ask her to help you be more secure, whatever ways she can. Sometimes, though, you'll have to just trust what she says, even if your cynical mind wants to prove her wrong. One of those irritating parts of being in a relationship.

[locked]Yeah, it's ... I don't know. I guess I've adjusted. Not much that I can do about it. I don't know what it is that I do, or why, but. Whatever. Granted, the guy had a good reason to see me as a threat, as I was interested in his girlfriend. But I told her I wouldn't do anything or take any further steps, at all, while she was in a relationship. I told her that it was up to her to choose, and when she did, I left it at that. [Tilts his head to the side as he sees the wheels in Andy's mind working] Just around the east coast. I'm going to be visiting some friends in New York because it's one of their birthdays. After that, I'm not really sure. I hope so; I don't really know what I'm expecting, but above all, it'll be nice to talk again. After I left, communication sort of dwindled, as you can imagine. I miss just talking with her, you know? We used to take our dogs for walks every morning, grab a pastry and a cup of coffee from this one bakery, and would walk in Central Park. I miss just talking about life.[/locked]

Right! All wheels are necessary then. [Nods] I do. Thanks, Andy.

I've never had a grown-up relationship. I think that's what's different here. There's a future and there's a life and it's not just fooling around. I don't know. *nods* It's going to take us working together, isn't it?

[locked] Well, honestly, it might be the flirtatious personality you admitted to having. You're such a catch it's easy to see you as a threat. It's not your fault though and it shouldn't be that way. There is no reason why women and men can't be mates without their significant others freaking out. Was uh, her boyfriend okay with this trip? It sounds like fun. *smiles softly* I can see why you would miss that. One of the best parts of being in love with Lauren is that we're also best friends. If you aren't able to do stuff like you described, like just enjoy being in each other's presence your relationship is doomed I'd say. [/locked]

Absolutely. When did relationships start getting likened to bikes anyway? It's kind of weird to me. *grins and pats his shoulder* Good man. So, do you like beer and music?

It is different, but it's a part of what brings you closer together. You work on it with one another and in doing so, you grow a little bit more towards each other and you learn about yourself. It's a part of the fun, even if it doesn't seem like it at first.

[locked]Possibly; most of the time, though .. the majority of the time, I'd say, it doesn't mean shit. And -- I don't think I'm a catch. There's a lot of baggage that comes with the rest of me, even if I'm good at hiding the baggage. I don't know how he felt about the trip. I left that up to her. I wasn't going to be calling the guy to tell him about it. I'm going into this trip with a clear mind, solely with the intention of catching up and saving whatever friendship we have left.[/locked]

Not sure, but hey, whatever analogy works. [Looks at him] You're kidding, right? What man doesn't love music and beer? Especially together.