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Madison?

Sam?

...how is this possible..

I don't know.

About...?

It's...kinda personal.

Dean's not around, is he?

Ah, um. No...

Okay. That's...good.

*is suddenly not so sure she wants to bring this up, but they have to talk about it eventually, right?*

Edited 2009-01-29 04:31 (UTC)

What is it, Maddy?

Okay, well...it's about us. What happened when we were alone.

*her next words come out in a rush*

I mean, I know it's been a long time and I don't expect anything from you, especially since I asked you to...and with everything that's been going on that you've told me about...

*she breaks off, pushes a hand through her hair*

I don't know. I just thought it was something we needed to discuss, but if you don't want to, I understand.

*does the fish mouth thing for a second, then tries for something more resembling calm and less resembling flummoxed*

Uh.

No, no... I mean, yeah. I.. um. Yeah, sure, we can talk... we probably should talk about it, I mean.

*awwwwwkward*

*she's trying herself and isn't doing much better than he is, if the blush spreading over her face is any indication*

Okay. That's what I thought. I mean, I know it's the least of our worries right now, but it's still kind of...there, you know? And...I don't know.

Yeah, it is. *still there, he means. and it doesn't make it any clearer. what to do*

I don't know either, I mean... *looks down* I never expected to see you again. And ... that was my fault, y'know

*shakes her head, touches him on the arm*

No. No, it wasn't. You didn't want to do it.

But I still did it. I pulled the trigger.

You wouldn't have done it at all if I hadn't asked you to. Sam, please, don't blame yourself for that. If you're blaming anyone, it should be me.

I don't blame you.

But why would you want to be with the guy who shot you dead?

Because I trust you.

*the words came out automatically, and she backpedals, trying to explain herself better*

I mean, that wasn't why I thought we should talk about it. I don't...you're not stuck with me. I don't want to force you into anything more that you don't want to do. But I just thought...we should probably figure out where we stand.

Okay...

*isn't sure at all what he wants, really*

Maddy... I guess the first part of this is for you to know... we're in the middle of a war. I mean, I don't... *takes a breath, lets it out slow. he hates admitting this. he hates talking about it even with Dean*

I don't know if I even have a future. It makes it hard to think about ... I mean, why would you want to put your future with a guy who doesn't have one? In the more literal sense, I mean.

*She's not really sure, either, but talking about this was better than not talking about it, right?

Her eyes widen a bit at the news that they're in the middle of a war. She nods, she understands what he's saying, but she's also very sad that he seems so hopeless.*

You don't know that you don't, either. I mean, I understand why it's hard for you to think about it or talk about it, but if there's something out there that can make you happy, even if it's something small or temporary, why would you deprive yourself of it?

*small, sad smile* Everyone who gets involved with me ends up dead, Maddy. Jess... my girlfriend in college... a demon killed her just because she and I were together. Meg, a girl I met later... a demon killed her, too, trying to get to me.

*tactfully omitting that he wound up shooting her dead, even though he's thinking it*

It's just... dangerous. Too dangerous.

*She's thinking it, too, but that certainly wasn't his fault and she hates that he thinks it was, not just with her but with any of the cases he's mentioned.

But she nods again, returns his sad smile with one of her own before reaching out to squeeze his hand gently. She's not trying to push, she just wants him to know that she forgives him, doesn't blame him.*

Okay.

*and he wishes it were otherwise. he really wishes it were, he'd... he's starting to realize, now, that as little time as they had together he was falling in love with her. was still. did. something like that. but even if she's forgiven him, he hasn't forgiven himself*

*so all he really can manage is a wavery smile and squeezing her hand gently back... and not letting go, after. not holding tight or anything, but not letting go*

*He looks so sad and it's breaking her heart. She wishes she'd never asked him to do that, wishes she hadn't come back, wishes she'd asked someone else...she hates that she's added to how he seems to feel about himself.

But it's too late to dwell on that, because she did and she has and all she can do is help them figure out what's going on however she can. And maybe help him learn to forgive himself.

She doesn't let go of his hand, just moves to hug him. Nothing romantic about it, just giving him something it looks like he could use right then.*

*he hugs her, maybe a little tighter than she expected, or maybe not. because he wishes he could, and even if he could, he wishes he could feel good about being with her. but he can't. not yet.

But he can still have this. maybe. Just for a little while*

*She holds onto him for a while, clinging tight, eyes shut and cheek pressed against his chest. He's right, it's not right right now, no matter how much they both may want it to be. But they can still be there, take comfort in one another, however small or fleeting it may be.*

*his fingers comb through her hair, his other hand rubs over her back. for all what he said, he doesn't want to lose this in a hurry. moments of peace are all too fleetin anyways*

*Her hand starts rubbing his back in return, fingertips tracing in small circles. Part of her brain is telling her they should probably stop, she should probably move away, but this is nice. this is calm, and she doesn't want to move.*

*He's not strong enough to resist this. He just isn't. Not after all they've been through and all he's lost, all she's lost. Dean's mangled body and lifeless eyes staring up at him, Dean, dead weight in his arms. Madison, the same, blood trickling downt he walls of her apartment. This isn't that. This is life and warmth in his arms, and he hides there as much as he can*

*She can hear his heartbeat, feel him warm and wrapped around her and she takes a deep breath, tries to compose herself, but God, she doesn't want to. Everything else is so screwed up and painful and this is so peaceful and calm and she just wants more of it. But everything he said, and everything she said, everything they agreed to...

She brings herself to pull her head from his shoulder, look up at him. Her voice is just above a whisper when she speaks.*

Sam...

Maddy...

*smiling a little, one hand cupping her cheek. But it's a sad smile. He knows he's bad news for her, and he's already thinking that once they get this figured out, if she can go back to a normal life, he'll just disappear. Let her be.*

*not that he's saying it right now. he just kisses her forehead*

*Which would crush her if she knew. Not only because she doesn't want him to leave her alone, but because she doesn't think she can go back - not knowing everything she does now, not after coming back the way she did.

She closes her eyes, leans into the kiss on her forehead. Her eyes open and she moves to kiss his cheek, while he's still bent close enough to her for her to be able to.*

He just cradles her, stroking her hair. He can at least give her this, a moment of peace and security. It might make up for all those moments, all that he stole from her when he pulled the trigger.

No, he won't be getting over that anytime soon.

"It'll be okay," he murmurs, apropos of nothing and not entirely sure if he's comforting her or himself with that.

She nods, her hands wound into the front of his shirt, breathing in his scent as he strokes through her hair.

It'll be okay, he said. He was right, it would be. It had to be.

She nods again, looks up at him. "Okay. I believe you."

"Okay." Small nod, small smile. Brushing her hair back a little.

It would be. They all needed it to be, and it would be.

She gave him a small smile back, reached to hug him quickly again.

Deep breath, then, "Should we..."

Break the hug? Get some rest? Go find Dean, see if he was hungry or something? Do more research on whoever might have brought her back? She wasn't sure what to do next.

"Should we...?" His hand continued to slide through her hair; he'd hold her close as long as she needed to be held.

"I don't know," she said softly. "Find Dean? See if there's something we should do?"

Her hands were still at his chest, clutching loosely at his shirt.

"I guess, probably." But he kept one arm around her shoulders, just... to keep her close. And to reassure her. One or the other.

And by 'it' I'm guessing you mean the whole... 'you're alive' thing?

Yeah.