sixwordstories | Locked from James

Yes?

I hate you.

I hate what you did to James. I hate that he loves the idea of love more than just about anyone I've ever met and because of you he either gravitates to women he knows will break his heart or sabotage any good relationship because he's terrified that they will turn out to be like you. I hate that you walk back into his life and instead of just forgiving you and sending you on your way, he feels like he needs to give you another chance. And I hate that you are beautiful enough that you are probably going to get away with all of it.

That's what I expected.

But let me tell you, as much as you hate me, I probably hate myself more. I have to live every day with a monumental mistake that I made, that I hurt someone I love and wrecked things between us. I didn't want back into his life with the intention of getting a second chance, we were surprised to see each other but it was finally time to apologize for what I had done and he decided it was time to forgive me for that part. Its not a question of getting away with it or not, it also has nothing to do with my looks.

Have you ever hurt someone and wished you could take it back? By either cheating or being part of cheating on someone? Or even just hurting them in some thoughtless way? I'm not saying that excuses what I did but maybe you could understand wanting to apologize for it.

You may always hate me, I have to live with that but this is between me and James. We don't want to lose each other from our lives and that is as friends first. There are things in our lives that we have gone through where we turned to each other, important things and we don't ever want to forget those times. I'll never hurt him again, not like that. You can call me a skank and ho all you want, I'll live with it but maybe one day you'll understand I'll never do that again.

I hope you do hate yourself. I pray that those aren't just words to shift the tide of my opinion of you. I hope you lost sleep and cried and destroyed every relationship you ever got into out guilt and some masochistic need to repent for what you did to him. But you know what? Your apology and all those sweet sounding words would hold a lot more merit if you hadn't waited until you accidentally bumped into him and had to face it before you apologized.

I did apologize to James at one time, right after it happened but you should know how James can be when he's angry...it's nearly impossible to talk to him. As for the rest, I can't convince you of anything. I could tell you all of the things that happened after but the thing is, you're not going to care or believe me. I'm not trying to shift the tide, I told James right from the beginning when he mentioned you that I was ready to face the fact that you're going to hate me. But that's not going to chase me off, I told him that and I'm telling you that.

I just hope one day that you can at least stand being in the same room as me, for his sake.

Why'd you do it?

There's a couple reasons but mainly, I was stupid. It was the worse thing I've ever done and I wish I could take it back so that I didn't hurt him.

You were drunk? You had feelings for someone else? You woke up one day and decided you wanted another cock?

I was a little drunk, as for the other two there...no. Is it really going to make you feel better if you know the whole thing? I mean, it's obviously not going to change your opinion of me.

Can I ask you a question? Have you ever done something like that? Cheated on someone, been cheated on....been the other woman?

Probably not but just saying you were stupid means you could do it again. If it was a specific person that you thought you could be in love with, I'd almost understand but I wouldn't want you for James. You had his love and it wasn't enough for you. If you were drunk and it was only one time, well shit happens but if you still drink it could happen again. In fact, it has a pretty high likelihood of it happening again.

I tried to steal a friend of mine away from his "girlfriend" once but she was a minor and he wasn't legally able to be with her. It was tearing him up. I was pretty messed up after breaking up with someone too and we helped each other. I regret nothing. As long as he was with me he was staying out of trouble. In fact, as soon as I ended it he regressed to some pretty nasty habits. If I regret anything, I regret not being able to be there for him physically without wanting him completely. But I wasn't in a relationship and while those two cared for each other she was a mess, he was a mess, and they couldn't legally be together. Not exactly the same thing as having a guy that loved me and getting drunk and boning some guy.

Hmm, you were trying to steal him from his "girlfriend" because it was the right thing to do.

Mine wasn't. I could give you reasons but like I said before, it's between James and myself. Those reasons will never fully excuse what I did, it was a lot more complicated than me being drunk a little bit but what I'm saying is that I won't do it again. I learned from that, I would never cheat on him again.

There was a lot of pain on both sides, for both of us. A lot of anger and a lot of things going on. I'll never fully forgive myself no matter how many times he tells me that I need to, no matter how many times he tells me he forgives me. It's always going to be there right on the edge of both of our minds.

But I'm going to tell you one thing, we were messed up back then and we still are in different ways and yes, before you throw it in, some of his issues are my fault but we understand it a little better. We're working to understand each other a little more, as friends first. We both could have jumped right into bed but we didn't, we're trying to approach this slowly and we're trying to get to know each other as the people we are now.

I didn't say it was the right thing to do. I just said I don't regret it because it was better than the alternative.

If you hurt him again, Ava. I will shoot you and it will hurt. I'm a cop now but I won't be forever.

Trust me, every day I wish that I had done something other than what I did.

Lauren, if I do, I'll be expecting it but I really do hope that you understand that I wouldn't. I'm glad that he has you though, I think I can see why you're his conjoined twin.

*Something about the ease of her mentioning something personal, even a stupid inside joke, was enough to make her want to hit the woman so she turned and left instead*

Locked from James

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