sixwordstories | (no subject)

Clearly, I need to be buying someone something pretty. Who is it?

My kid. I just spent the last fifteen minutes with her...well...let's not get into that.

Anyway, you win. No more watchdog, but you fucking call me if you get so much as fucking heartburn, we clear?

HA. HA HA HA. I'm gonna dance over this for a minute or two...dancing commencing...aaaaaaand dancing over now, I'm tired.

I ain't fucking around. You burp wrong, I get a fucking phone call.

Seriously, Bee...I didn't mean to come off as that big a dick about everything. Halve it, that's what I was shootin' for. Overkill's my default setting when I worry, just ask Hank. All's I want is to help, ai'ight? No bullshit.

Fine, fine.

You were making me feel incompetent. Like you and by proxy Annie and Drew didn't trust me take care of myself.

Well, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. Seriously.

And you were wrong and a butthead and I was totally right.

I was half wrong, fucking duh, and you were half right. So suck it and drink it, and I'm gonna kill whoever taught my daughter how to deliver a purple nurple. Fucking ow, man...

Tell her I'm buying her something pretty. For serious.

Fer chafing this bad? Buy her a car.

I swear to God I'm bleeding or something...fucking. Ow.

She does need one! Though that's a waste of money, she can have mine and let her boyfriend tinker with it and make it 'cool'.

Holy fuck, don't put that shit up in public, yo. She's takin' the test soon and she ain't started bitching at me about the wheels just yet.

Better yet, don't let her boyfriend see that shit, he'll fucking tell her. Then my life of peace and quiet's fuckin' over.

Well it's not doing me much good, sitting in Searchlight. Just let her have it.

Absolutely nothin' doing. I ain't gonna even let her near a dealership 'till I know she can drive without killing someone.

[locked]

Yes, I'm full of shit. I'll take you up on that, but I got a better idea...so don't tell her, ai'ight?

Tsk.

[locked]

Whatever you wanna do, I was just offering.

Whatever.

[locked]

It's a good offer, and a good idea. But giving her a car's a huge thing...I know somebody who could use the brownie points more 'n me.

Thanks, Bee.

I made him giggle, too. It ruled.

For the record, though, I didn't do it for pay. I did it 'cause...well...he's wrong, and I can.

Oh, I know you didn't. This is extra gratitude on my part.

And they said Reds and Blues could never get along, yo.

World peace is easy. Yo.

OH MY GOD. YOU SAID 'YO.' YOU HAVE BEEN CALLAHAN-IZED.

I was mocking you! Clearly my mocking does not transfer well over the internet.

Whatever. You wish you were as cool as me.

Hm?

I just spent the last fifteen minutes running around the house to avoid getting a purple nurple from my goddamn daughter. We had a disagreement, and that's her favorite way of makin' me see her side.

Fucking ow, man...

I admit I do not know what that is.

Your daughter is Miss Hank Callahan, is she not?

You're fucking lucky, then.

I...uh...yeah, I am. But I'll be fucked if I ever heard anybody but a cop ever call her 'Miss' before. Who are you?

I see.

I have been speaking with her, of late. My name is Thomas Jefferson.

...

You for real, yo?

I find I am asked questions such as that on a regular basis.

I only ask 'cause a week ago Hank started giving me the fucking third degree on summoning the dead. She told me she'd been visited by a spirit, but she wouldn't say who.

It's an honor, Mr. President.

Did she? The process is rather uncomfortable; I have been made to endure it before. Indeed, by a prior Slayer who sought my advice. It is worth it to, for a time, be in the world again.

Yeah, warned her 'bout that, but she just went running to my sister. She's a witch, and a damn good one. Dunno if she can improve on the process, but she'll probably help Hank with whatever the fuck she's scheming.

I apologize in advance. Hank's stubborn as shit and twice as curious.

I have found that. Her choice - to discontinue Slaying - reminds me very much of my own wish to retire, many a time during my career.

I supposed it best to introduce myself.

Huh...interesting.

That's good, I'm glad. I like to know who my kid's hanging around with, especially when they're dead. Least she's not having tea with Mussolini or some shit, know what I mean?

I suppose I could be an exceptionally clever Mussolini. He would have to be such, to pretend to be me so convincingly.

However, no, I do not mean any harm, and would rather like to help.

Heh. Yer a funny guy.

That's cool by me, God knows the kid could use a few good influences in her life. Just don't let her talk you into doing her history homework or some shit. She can be a devious little bitch.

Do I want to ask?

Hank fucking chased me down and twisted a tit 'till I promised to apologize to Bee. Literally.

....Really? Wow.

Swear to God, if I ever meet the schmuck that taught her to dish out a purple nurple...fucking ow.

I'm glad no one has ever done that to me.

I get beat up on a lot by...well, all the women in my life. I think you're the only one that don't smack me with intent to maim every ten seconds.

Not unless we're sparring or something.

I ain't counting that, and in case you didn't notice? I pull my punches when we spar. I don't hit girls.

Oh sure, did you fake those winces and tears in your eyes too?