sixwordstories | (no subject)

Who doesn't?

*sighs* Oh, CJ. I'm just having a bit of a problem with friends ((in my other 'verse)). It's like... they have all these ideas about what I should be, and who I should be, and what I should do.

But. Nobody ever checked with me to see if that was okay.

Oh. I get that. I know they're your friends, but does it matter what they think? I mean, it does, but about what you should be and do.

They... there's something they're trying to help me with. And, like, I know they mean well and all? But they seem to think I can't figure things out for myself, or do anything for myself. I'm getting kinda frustrated.

And they seem to want to like, hold me up as some shining example. And I don't want that either.

Have you told them how you feel?

Yeah. They didn't seem to get it at first so I kinda had to put my foot down. But... it's still a little heartbreaking to know they thought of me like that. Like a kid or something.

Oh. I'm sorry. I think that there are people who are just always like that. You know? You could be twenty years older than them, way more experienced or knowledgeable about most things, but they still think of you that way. Maybe your friends are like that.

Thanks.

I just... I guess I thought they thought more highly of me.

Live and learn, right?

And then get Luvs.

Sorry. I watch a lot of daytime TV. Lots of diaper commercials.

*laughs* I guess I've missed that one.

You're not missing much. Little babies running around and their parents chasing them. It's cute, but the motto kind of sticks with you. Obviously.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm still sorry about the mess with your friends.

Thanks, CJ. I feel better for having gotten it off my chest.

You're welcome. Happy to be whatever help I can.

What's wrong, Rachel?

It's...

*sighs*

Adam, I feel so pressured. And I don't like it, one bit.

Pressured by what? For what? What's happened?

I'm tired of being held up like this perfect, shining example that's gonna save everybody. I'm not that person. I don't want to be anybody's guide or savior or candidate or whatever. I just want to be me.

*blinks, a bit confused and stunned*

Did I...do something to make you feel like you needed to be something besides yourself? I don't need a guide or a savior or a candidate for anything. I just want to be with you. As you are.

I'm sorry, Adam. I think a lot of stuff's just come to a head in the last few days.

Hiro seems to think I need to be convinced that I'm the better candidate for you.

I almost killed somebody again the other day.

I'm tired of hiding and I'm tired of not having control of stuff. And I'm tired of looking to other people for everything.

And I'm sure tired of everybody else assuming they know what's best for me. Without, you know, checking with me?

A better candidate for me for what? Than what?

Who? Why? Were you hurt?

We're working on that, aren't we? To give you control. I know what it is like to not have it, to be under someone else's, but I hope more than anything that Peter can give it back to you, can figure out how to make things work right. I've spoken to him, and he's more than willing to help.

Who? I don't know what's best, Rachel. I think...hell, you know I'd rather you weren't living so far out, but I've not said anything, or assumed you should move. It's your home, your right to choose where to go, where to live, how to live. I am sorry if I have made you feel it was not.

I couldn't figure out if he meant better than himself, or Elle. Probably Elle, since he was talking about how you want children and he can't give you heirs and I'm the better choice. I'm this perfect, goodhearted, trustworthy person who's gonna lead you down the right path, apparently.

Only I don't want that kind of burden.

I wasn't hurt. Doesn't really matter who, does it? It was another person, another human being. I think it's just short of a miracle he survived it at all. I don't want things like that to happen anymore.

And... maybe I need to stop sitting around being scared and waiting for someone else to give it back to me. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong, is in not believing I could ever do this myself. I don't know anymore.

I'm just tired and I'm frustrated and I swear if one more person tells me I need help or tells me how I'm gonna fulfill someone else's needs, I might just... I might just hit them, to be completely honest with you.

You should, if you feel like it. Rachel--no one has the right to tell you what to be or who to be. Not Hiro, not me, not anyone else.

I am sorry if I have contributed to it.

That he is trying to push you into something so important and life changing with me when we have barely even begun to sort out what we want, to get to know each other is...he shouldn't be doing that. And I can see very easily how frustrating it would be. He wants what is best for me, I know, but there are lines and boundaries and to make you feel uncomfortable is crossing them.

If you want to try and take control on your own, without Peter's help, that is absolutely your choice. The offer stands there, as I made it, to help, but it is an offer, not a requirement, and up to you to take it or leave it as you will.

I know he means well. I know he loves you and wants what's best for you. But, God help me, Adam, I can't take another darned minute of "Adam needs this" and "Adam needs that" and how I'm gonna give all that to you... without a second's thought about what I might want or need. Except that clearly I need help, because my power, it can't be controlled by me.

...He even offered to take my dog. I mean, does he think I'm gonna kill the dog?

I just... I think I need some time, and some space. I'm tired and I'm upset. It just feels like... I don't know. I thought people thought more highly of me than that.

((OOC: I apologise for her, I truly do. This is what bent her out of shape the other night.))

*completely stunned*

What? I am doing just fine. I may want certain things in my life, but I do not need. It's not my verb. And for my "needs" to be thrust on you is unconscionable.

I am so very, very sorry, Rachel. I don't even know how to begin to say how sorry that you have been upset by all of this. I didn't...I didn't ask him to say anything on my behalf, or to make any of these assumptions.

I do think more of you than that. I gave you the dog, after all, after you'd told me what your ability was.

If that is what you need...I can do that. Whatever you need, or want, if it is within my power to grant, I will, all right? If that's space and time...if I am bothering you with my attentions and you need some time to figure out if you even want me around in a personal capacity, then it is yours. I'll still be here if and when you decide you wish to see me.

((OOC: Adam's just...completely bemused and all, "We had a nice dinner. I didn't push her. I left, respecting her wishes, when we both know I could have seduced her, pushed it further." And then he turns on me and is all, "SEE!!! THIS is what happens when you go away from the internet!!!!"))

I just... that might be best, Adam. I'm so confused, and I'm so conflicted, and there's so much going on that I need to try to figure out. It's not fair to any of us, especially not when I'm all upset over stuff.

And I know Hiro meant well and he totally caught me at a bad time--what with the whole almost killing somebody again, I'm still kinda shaken over that, but so, so grateful that Gabriel's okay and not holding that against me--but it's still just not what I need to hear right now.

I do appreciate everything you've done for me. Honestly. I don't want to give the impression that I'm ungrateful or anything. But I think some time and space to figure stuff out can only be good.

((OOC: And I totally feel bad for Hiro, the poor guy just sort of blundered in and managed to hit every single sore point she has right now in the space of one thread, while she's all busy with "I almost killed AGAIN" and making friends with Sylar and everything else. *pets Hiro* Poor thing. She was trying not to chew him a new one. LOL))