sixwordstories | (no subject)

...Funny, because you are mine. I never got to tell you that. ~~You were right about me. I tried. I fought for you. I couldn't save you...but your son, I took care of him, I fought for him...~~ But you should know that. You were mine.

I never felt very heroic. I was only trying to fight for what I believed in. ~~I know you did, Sev. And I am so very proud of you. I suppose I finally did manage to save you. I am so grateful to you.~~ Thank you, Sev. I am honored.

Wars are rarely fought for causes, just faces. What was the Dark Lord's words? For our children, and our children's children...
Or in my case, your child. Like I said, it's...funny.

Funny and a bit sad. ...I spoke with Minerva. Regarding incidents in Harry's sixth year of school, and what happened after.

*blinks* Albus.

That was the main bit. *purses her lips, hesitating* She said you were always ours. To ask Harry and he would tell me, because she doesn't understand it even still.

...I'd like to hear it from you, though. Harry seems to want to shelter me.

*automatically, very dead voice* It was the Dark Lord's pleasure that I be placed under Dumbledore at Hogwarts. I was his spy, you see. The old man was far too trusting, to willing to believe in the repented Death Eater...it was easy. A little too easy for me, I'm afraid. I became bored. You know how much I hate boredom...

Then, he returned. My Master returned, and he had Harry to worry about and couldn't be bothered with the old fool. So, at his leisure, I performed the duty the Dark Lord had always entrusted to me. *swallows, and grips his left arm*

My reward was Hogwarts.

*moves to take up his left hand in her right one*

There is more to it then that though. Isn't there? I can't quite...register it.

*and only now does he jerk free, his voice choked with emotion but if it's hate or despair, is impossible to tell* I'm afraid not, Mrs. Potter. I played my part very well. Whatever I did. Whoever I did it for...I played it well. I was the butcher they demanded.

I murdered Albus Dumbledore, because it was asked of me. The Dark Lord gave me something he himself had always desired. It was a fair trade off.

The boy. Your boy. What lies does he tell you?

Who was "Whoever", Severus?

He tells me very little. He looks at me in the very same manner I used to look at him. He has a desire to protect me from the war, to keep my innocence in tact. If I seem innocent to him, I fear for what the world has done to him.

He tells me that you saved him, that your loyalties had always been firm. That you were very brave. He tells me he can never like you, even knowing what he does. But he respects you.

*concentrates on keeping his voice cold* The Dark Lord. Narcissa....Draco. Pick one.

Well, your boy has to believe the best in people. He takes after Albus, I'm afraid. Trusting to a fault.

*stares at him, long and hard, as if trying to soften him, to melt him, with her look*

I don't believe you.

My son is trusting, but he isn't blind or stupid. I think you're just afraid to hear it. You're not sure what to do with yourself when people don't look at you like the villain. When people remove the mask.

*deadly low voice, meeting her eyes*

I don't need you too. You, my dear girl, are also a trusting fool. Afraid? I do not fear anything. And this is not my mask...

Even Albus knew it. *now he looks pained, but it's only for a moment* Perhaps that's why I had to do it... *looks in an incredible amount of pain, as if he's realizing for the first time what's happened* To remember, what I was... Albus.

*softly, assuringly, it's the same tone she's taken for soothing Harry through nightmares since he was a baby*

No, you don't. But you want me to not believe you. Severus, everyone fears things. Stop hiding.

Yes, Severus. Albus. What did he tell you? What happened? What really happened?

*looks away, shallows* No, no, no, *shaking his head, shivering* Lily, please go. I refuse...do you hear me? *angry now* I refuse to show this...brand of weakness! I did what they asked me to do. I shouldn't... gods... *breathing heavily, as he slumps a little* Lily... *very quiet, dead voice* Lily, he's...dead...and I killed him.

You aren't weak. You've never been weak. Please, look at me. *moves to him, quietly, shyly, nearly* I know this bit, Severus. There's more. You've blood on your hands, I see it. But why? I know you. I know you without the mask.

*staring into the distance, his eyes dead* ...do you know, that...when you murder someone...you lose a part of your soul. It's ripped from you...dark magic. *very softly* He asked me to kill him, Lils. I...I didn't...I couldn't...I'd changed. I was his...and he made me... *shuts his eyes* Lily, he made me his Death Eater... *falls to his knees*

*softly* It does it even if you murder someone by conventional Muggle ways. Murder isn't nice, it's meant to destroy. Oh, Severus. *moves to kneel with him and coax him into her arms* Sev. Sev. Sev...

*strokes his hair and speaks, quietly* Don't ever give anyone such control over you. Sev. Let me help gather the broken pieces....

*numbly, leaning into her, not really crying because I doubt Severus remembers how to* It was all a lie. Every time, he said I had changed. Every sin...he said I had redressed. He said I'd changed...he said I was... protecting them. The school. Your son...for him...for you.

But he lied. I trusted him and he used me. He needed a killer, *hatefully* and he used me. And I did. *opening his mouth as if he's about to scream but nothing can escape* Oh god... *buries his head in her shoulder* Albus...

*wraps her arms around him and holds him, listening with pursed lips and stroking his hair, humming soothingly, lowly so she can hear his words*

...I suppose even a saint like Albus has his streaks of black. We're never all good, are we? That wasn't right of him, you are not a tool, Severus. *kisses his temple and rocks him some* *closes her eyes tight* I know it hurts. I'm here, though...I'm going to get you through this like you've gotten me through so much.

*muffled into her shoulder* Why...why does it hurt this much?

*kisses his temple* Because the deepest betrayals are made by those we love and care about. Those we believe in.

It'll be all right, Severus. It will take time, but I promise.

*shakes head* No. It won't. But thank you for lying. *softly* ...you know the worst part? When I returned...to my Master...they laughed. Cheered. Like animals. Because he was... dead. *cold voice* I laughed too.

I've never been a very good liar, much less to a Legilimens of such a caliber as you. *continues to stroke his hair, moving to pet at his neck and tighten her hold on him*

You've been through so much.

*eyes shut, just sitting very still in her arms* ...I deserved every bit of it. *licks lips* Why did he choose me...I know why...but why did he...have to...knowing what it'd do... *shuts his eyes* I hate him, Lily. I've always hated him.

I wouldn't wish it on You-Know-Who himself, though I suspect he's been through it and enjoyed it. *sets her head atop his* Things don't make a lot of sense right now, and maybe they never will...

Who do you hate, Sev?

Dumbledore. I hated him for forcing me to betray my Master. I hated him that he couldn't save you. I hated...that I changed. That he made me better. *narrows eyes* But he didn't...it was like he woke me up. That I'd been dreaming since our 5th year... and he woke me up. He gave me...a chance.

And I hated that he wanted me to throw that away. For wanting to use Harry for what... *closes eyes* I only know hate, Lily.

He tried to save me, Severus. I was stupid. James and I were...absolute idiots. We thought we would be safe. We thought Wormtail would never give us away. We should have kept Padfoot as Secret-Keeper. Better still, we should have accepted Dumbledore. He pleaded with us. We trusted the wrong man, do not hate Dumbledore for that. *strokes his hair* He played this war like a magnificent game of Wizarding Chess. He and You-Know-Who both. We were all just pawns, weren't we?

Shh. That isn't true, Severus. You've just buried everything else deep inside. We'll fix it.

...yes, but at least I knew the Dark Lord would *gently* I loved him, he was my Lord and Master and he kept me safe...and he never lied to me. He use to say that love was a weakness, and that...our love for him was just another tool for him. We followed him anyways because he was just so... *stops, shaking head* Tell me something, Lily. Tell me there's something more...

Knew You-Know-Who would what? *softly* Your Lord and Master could be so daftly. It was Love that saved my son and I think he only scorned it because he didn't understand it. It's amazing how we're all just two heads of the same coin, isn't it? We fought so fiercely and we're so similar. Dumbledore and You-Know-Who, Order Members and Death Eaters. We try so hard to align ourselves with black and white but we can't ever, really. *touches his cheek and guides his face up* Severus, there is so much more. There is so much more than hate and regret and prejudice.

*hatefully* I don't feel regret... *looks a little annoyed with himself, but finally nods* I'm afraid I'm going to have to trust you to believe that for the both of us.

*retreats into herself, but only for a moment* No. Maybe not. But I do.

I'll show you in time.