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Doesn't it just? I hate it. It's such a waste of time!

For serious.

Hey. I've seen you around, right?

Fangtasia?

That's right. I thought I recognized you! I like to go there to dance and people watch. There's no place good to dance in Bon Temps.

Ah, Bon Temps. The place is a fucking hole right?

Yeah, I tend bar there. Which means I serve drinks and put up with assholes all night. Fucking idiots.

I had some lady say last night: Show me your fangs, show me your fangs.

Is my tan orange? Do I look a vamp?

Morons.

I know! I've never even been anywhere and I know almost anywhere has to be better than this.

It's funny. People always see what they're expecting to see. You work in a vamp bar so you MUST be a vampire. I work in a regular bar so no one really thinks I'm a vampire. At least they wouldn't if Arlene wasn't always such a bitch about it.

I don't know, you could be one of those movie or TV vampires. You know the ones that are always so pretty.

You've never been anywhere? I've been everywhere. Well, not everywhere, but I started moving when I was 17 and I just kept going. Longest I ever stayed anywhere was three years in Chicago - anyway, you need to get out there and see something.

You can't stay here all your life.

All your death.

You just can't.

... Who's Arlene?

Seriously. You did not just call me a Twilight vampire?

Seriously.

Nope. I lived with my parents until Bill made me. They were from around here and since then I just haven't really had a chance. Wait! I did go to Texas once. I liked it. I got to fly in an airplane and we stayed in this really fancy hotel.

She's this other waitress at Merlotte's where I work. She doesn't like vampires so she's always jumpy around me or just flat out rude. Everyone else is okay there though.

I said you could be a movie vampire! I didn't say which movie! You could be a Tom Cruise vampire!

I'm 6'2 and I don't have crazy eyes!

You need to go further than Texas.

A lot of people don't like vampires. And that whole Russell Edgington: I'm going to eat your BABIES! thing didn't help much.

Man. That was hysterical.

And now for the weather! Tiffany!

Great remix of that on you tube.

Gary Oldman vampire?

Pardon my language but Russell Edgington was a prick. Like - a more than most really bad vampires. He tried to take a chunk out of me and feed me to one of his werewolves.

What he did was horrible. REALLY horrible. But humans do really horrible things all the time that doesn't mean I think Arlene is evil. ~~I just think she's evil cause she's rude and snotty all the time like she's got a great big stick shoved where the sun don't shine~~

I'm way better looking than Oldman!

Well, as someone who wasn't almost fed to a -

Wait.

There are werewolves???

Well sure, now you are cause he's OLD.

Oops....surprise?

...

Point.

Though I'm not getting any younger.

Anyway, as someone who wasn't almost fed to a WEREWOLF between you and me... Edgington is really fucking hot. I mean, I wouldn't want to meet the guy in a dark alley. Or, you know, a light alley.

Or any alley.

But he's so fucking hot.

Like, the blondie who runs the bar? He's pretty cute - especially with his whole 'I'm a big bad viking and you're all just pesky mortals I don't dane to look at - ROAR - blah blah'. But that Edgington guy -

I wish he'd eat my neighbours children.

They are fucking annoying.

And here I am not getting any older.

Gross. He was so old and he smelled old. I mean, you wouldn't think vampires would smell like mothballs but it's true. Russell Edgington smelled like mothballs and ICK.

Eric's okay. Have you seen him do his thing where he SITS ON HIS THRONE and scowls at everyone? He's not really checking his phone for messages - he's totally playing Angry Birds.

Ooh, sorry. You're on your own on that one. The American Vampire League does NOT approve of the eating of children. You'll have to eat them yourself. :)

He does not smell like mothballs. You lie!

... AHAHAHAHAHAHA THE THRONE. BEST THING EVER. THE THRONE! AAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Look, I'm not saying I wouldn't go down on him, of course I would. But I'd have to wait till I stopped laughing or I'd choke.

Angry birds, huh? You crack me up. You should come by Fangtasia some night and pretend to be my friend. Moronic tourists are totally going to tip me more if they see you hanging around acting like I'm cool.

He did. Mothballs and what's that COD LIVER OIL.

He looks like a skinny Fabio sitting there on his fur pelt on his throne. I'm surprised no one's asked him to be on the cover of those trashy romances!

I'll do that. I think you're cool. Fangtasia needs more people with a sense of humor. They tend to take themselves a little too seriously. I mean - it's called FANGTASIA. How do they even get serious about that?

You should write some awful smut for the internet and ask him to pose for the cover of your self published novel. I DARE YOU.

It's Eric, he doesn't need an excuse to get naked.

YOU should write something like "Viking Nights" or "Vampyre's Sweet Kiss". I bet he totally would.

For serious.

Tomorrow I'm going to go in and tell him I'm writing a serious romance novel called Viking Nights and I want to interview him for accuracies sake.

Bah. I'm yet to see even a hint of that. He barely even shows his fang. Not that I'm into that.

HAHAHA!

Really? The couple weeks I was there he was naked like - half the time. Maybe it's different now that he's got Sookie. Don't worry, it won't last. He'll be back to being a big ol' slutty badass soon as she dumps him.

You should totally PM me your deets and I'll let you know his reaction.

Do you know if he, you know, goes that way? Occasionally?

PMed you!

I don't like KNOW for sure or anything but it wouldn't surprise me if he did? A lot of the older vampires I've met don't seem to have very many hangups about sex - well, 'cept Bill. But I can see Eric going both ways. He flirts with everyone pretty equally.

Flirting doesn't mean much. I flirt with women, I like women, they're generally made less of the asshole quotient than men are.

But I can tell you, every time I've tried to fuck a woman has been a dismal failure.

I don't know about that. Most of the women I know are pretty awful. Not Pam though. She's pretty cool. If I were into women I'd definitely go for Pam.

You'll just have to try Eric and find out?

Oh, honey.

If I were a woman I'd go for Pam as well.

We'll see.