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Oh, yeah?

And what girl might that be, Puckerman? Because I'm pretty sure Santana's strictly into girls these days. ;)

I dunno, I was just gonna ask if you've seen her around :D If she doesn't show up, I might have to scarily go back to chasing Berry tail.

I will dissect your privates with a rusty spoon, make you eat them, pour acid over your mohawk and then push you in front of an oncoming train if you hurt her.

But have a lovely date, darling :)

I think I may have seen her a minute ago... She was wearing a yellow dress... Looked like she was dressed to impress, too, I might add. She must really like you.

Was it to the ankles with Bridget Jones panties? 'Cause she's making me work ward for the money, if you know what I'm saying.

Dude... duuuuuuuuuuude. My junk just shrivelled up a lil. You scary.

No... Actually a little above the knee... But I'm not allowed to tell you about the panties... It's a rule. You never share about the panties on the first date. :P Sounds like a lady with some respect for herself, though. Gotta appreciate that.

My job here is done. In all seriousness, though, you hurt her, I'll deck you. And then I'll get Blaine to finish the job. It won't be pretty. She's been hurt enough by you, and many others, in the past. She deserves to be treated like a princess and be brimming with happiness.

Hell yeah, babe. Also, I have Kurt currently threatening my junk and everything attached to it. I'm running the gauntlet here. It's like Gladiators all over again.

I know she does, dude. I know it might not have seemed like it because I was a real jerk in my delivery methods, but all I ever wanted was to treat her like a princess and for her to be my girl. It just didn't work out. Now I'm sorta hoping it might and hoping I get it right this time. Ain't been a single other girl who even came close to how Q makes me feel.

Nothing wrong with a fag looking out for his hag. ;) But you'd better listen to him. I'm pretty sure his threats are never idle. You know, I don't think we ever went on an actual date before.

Oh, I'm listening. I'm listening 'cause he's deadly serious. He said he would thump me and get Blaine to finish the job if I hurt you. And as much as I wanna see Kurt actually thump someone, I don't want it to be me.

We didn't. Shit was getting in the way, like baby bumps and Hudsons.

I'm not surprised. And Blaine kicks ass... Have you seen him with a punching bag? It's scary, and also kind of hot, in that whole, "He's my fag-in-law" way. I'm pretty sure he'd really hurt you, Puck.

No. We didn't. And it didn't help that we more or less sabotaged ourselves at every turn.

Yeah, all the time. For a tiny dude, he packs a fucker of a punch. I wouldn't wanna piss him off too hardcore. Why do all the gay dudes get all the hot chicks? Yeah, he would. I know he would.

I know. I had no fucking clue what I was doing, Q. I tried to pretend I did, but I was fucking terrified.

Because gay dudes are beautiful and fabulous, and they're never going to be the ones we fall in love with who are going to dump us. A fag never dumps his hags. They all grow more fabulous together.

I know, Puck. Trust me, I do. I was, too. We were young and stupid, and I don't think we were ready to recognize what we meant to each other. I wasn't in love with you back then, but I knew I felt things about you that I'd never felt about a guy before. Contrary to popular belief and my drunken rambling, I don't regret that you were my first... You should know that.

What if you, like, seriously piss him off? Dumping ain't the punishment, so what is? It's not like he's gonna threaten to chop off your dick with a rusty spoon LMFAO.

Babe, I didn't even fucking know what love was. It just seemed like this stupid thing everyone wanted, but when I tried it, I seriously fucked it up so I wondered why I should bother. Story of my fucking life, really. I just wish I made it more special for you, babe. Blaine goes on about how his first time was perfect and all that, and I feel like I fucked you over on that front.

It's either a bitchpls or a verbal bitchslap, both of which are extremely painful, I might add. Is that what he threatened you with? OMG! LOL

Neither did I. We were young and stupid and we thought we were ready for a lot of things that we weren't ready for. That's not where we are anymore. A lot of people don't have amazing first times, but it's okay. That's why it's the first and not the last, right? I've had good times since then. But maybe one day, before it's all said and done, you can make it up to me. ;) We'll just take it a day at a time and see where it goes.

I do remember that time he gave you the silent treatment for about three weeks, but I can't remember what it was about. You just got around looking like you lost your kicked puppy. Yes! Dude ain't holding nothing back here. I think he might even give me an exam on all the shit I did and didn't do right.

I never told you this, babe, but when you had that accident? I was fucking terrified I would lose you. Like, it was the scariest fucking shit in my life. Then you were in that chair and Teen Jesus was helping you, and I felt like it should have been me but I was scared to offer that shit in case you told me to go fuck myself again.

Pretty sure that was when I hooked back up with Finn and we both got mono. Kurt was definitely not amused. He seriously might, sweetheart. You best be holding all the doors, and pulling out the chairs, the whole nine.

Are you serious? Puck, I had no idea. You could've come to tell me that, you know. I remember you coming to see me in the hospital not long after I woke up. Kurt and Blaine had been there, and my mom... And then there you were, all cocky swagger just making sure I was okay. Joe was a great friend, and I needed that, but you didn't have to feel like there was no room for you. I'm sorry that's how you felt.

Ah, see, now I get it more. That was all some pretty weird as fuck shit going on, and for once I wasn't involved and it wasn't my fault. When am I gonna have time to eat? :D

I didn't know how. You know me, I ain't ever good at expressing shit. I told Blaine, and he tried to get me to come see you to tell you. Even offered to come with, but I didn't have the balls. I thought I was the last person you woulda wanted around. It wasn't even so much all that, it was just figuring I wasn't the right person for the job and maybe scared how I'd feel after it all anyway.

That's always a plus. I was an idiot. Of course, being with Sam wasn't ever my smartest decision, either. I should've been single that whole year and just dealt with my stuff... And I did have a lot of it to deal with. Who said you get to eat, Puckerman? Clearly, this date is about you serving my every whim and whether or not you get to eat is secondary... :P Oh, wait.

No, you're not. But that means a lot to me, Puck. I wouldn't have told you to go away, just so you know. You're always going to be a special part of my life, you know. No matter what happens. I'm really going to miss you when I'm at Yale.

I just always thought you guys hooked up to get popular. He was going on and on about it in the gym all the damn time. I ain't gonna judge on it, though. I figured you had your reasons and it wasn't like you wanted to give us a second go at the time. Hey, you wanted dinner, you didn't say nothing about just you having it, so I'm eating, babe. I'll squish your every whim in between courses :P

Guess what I'm trying to really say is... I dunno really how to just be your friend.

Sort of. It wasn't a good relationship. It never was. I thought I liked him at one point, and he thought the same about me, but we both had ulterior motives. He's a good friend now, though. I wouldn't take anything for him, and some advice he gave me once upon a time. But I guess you can eat. This time. ;)

I don't think I ever really completely knew how to be yours, either. I think that's why I ran away so much Junior year. I didn't know how to be around you after everything we went through together.

I know you were kinda confused after we went ahead with the adoption thing and you were just trying to figure yourself out. We did the right thing, babe, but I think we both sorta fucked up after it. It was tough shit to deal with and there wasn't anyone there telling us how we should deal with it. I mean, fuck, I ended up in juvie 'cause I thought I'd never get another chance with a girl as awesome as you again. I got angry and stupid. I know giving up Beth was tough, but you know what was tougher? Losing you.

So, do you think we're gonna be alright now? Or do you think we're always destined to just never know how the fuck to work together?

But we found our way. We've both come a long way, Puck. I'm so proud of you. But we lost it for a while there... Seriously? I never realized you felt that way.

I think that we're going to be okay as long as we put in the effort. It won't be easy sometimes, but you're... You're you, and you're special to me. It's worth it to me to figure it all out.