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Yeah...well...welcome to life. We all regret shit, it's about what you do to make up for the crap you feel bad about.

[Castiel fidgets in his seat, staring at his hands that are twitching nervously.]

I do not fight anymore, it only causes pain. I watch the bees, I stay in the gardens where I can marvel at beauty on its own. I can not return to battle, I don't have it in me.

[Dean grit his teeth, trying to hold himself back from yelling at the angel. He just shook his head and lowered his eyes]

Then I guess you don't regret things that much...cause if you did you'd care enough to try and fix it. You'd care enough about the world...about me to help clean up the mess you helped make.

I've died for you.

[Castiel answers, looking up from his spot so his gaze fell on Dean. The angel frowned, hunching his shoulders looking smaller then before.]

So many times i have died for you. I've thrown away all my beliefs for you. Haven't I done enough? Hasn't my sins been punished thoroughly?

I won't be useful. I'll cause more damage, ruin things even further. Having me there will be a mistake, Dean.

[He flinched at Cas's words but hoped it went unnoticed]

You were my best friend outside of my family, hell you were family and you screwed us. Not saying I'm perfect here, I know I'm an asshole but...helping me is punishment for your sins?

[No, thre wasn't here to talk about that stuff]

Cas....Sammy and me don't know what to do. I mean...we're gonna try to fight these things cause that's what we do...but we may lose this one. We might both die and these bastards might win. You brought them here, now grow a pair and help us destroy them.

Edited 2012-09-27 14:14 (UTC)

I brought this upon the world to save you from more pain.

[The angel said lowly, ducking his head to avoid Deans gaze once again.]

It became volatile, I couldn't control it but Dean the last thing I wanted was for you to suffer. I did his all to try to save you pain.

It isn't about me 'growing a pair' I fear that if I try to help you I will only make you suffer more. Dean, I am not good luck. I am a curse upon your house.

To save me? You asked me to kneel and pledge my love to you. You called me your freakin pet.

Ad don't start with the whole it's better without you thing. You're bad luck? Right, because my life was overflowing with good luck before you showed. We're all cursed, it's why we're here.

That was the Leviathan, when I was corrupt with power. That wasn't me, Dean. You know me, that isn't who I am.

My presence there will only hinder you, can't you see that? I'm dangerous because I am corruptible. It has happened before, it will happen again. I will only let you down.

[He took a deep breathe and nodded, slighty defeated]

Yeah Cas...I know, that wasn't you. But this isn't either. The guy I know would fight for what was right. Don't you get it? You're letting me down now. You're corruptible? Awesome, everyone is. We deal with it. I don't know....maybe people in our line of work have one chance to break the world, just one. You do more than that then you're kind of a dick. Point is...we keep each other in line, that's what friends do.

Cosign, dude. Cosign.

What have you done that you regret so?

Really? Not me.

No...can't even think of one. [Lying so hard right now...]

[Castiel gives his brother a look of 'R u srs rn?' Both he and Castiel knew that there were things they both regretted, but Castiel wasn't the type of angel to out another who did not want to admit their own faults. Unless he was very angry, which rarely happened. (Yeah right.) So instead the angel just looks mopey, trench coat too large for his smaller shoulders.]

You are in luck. The guilt is overbearing.

I'm an angel. I'm not suppose to be.

[Castiel is shaky at best. He doesn't stand or stomp away, he simply looks shaken to the core. Unsure as his blue eyes dart from Dean to the window and back. He can't focus, hes full of self doubt and it is throwing him for such a loop.]

I tried, Dean. I try fighting for the right thing and I just... it goes array. I try to protect the world, I destroy it. I try to fix that sin, I go insane and become useless. I become better and end up being useless to you.

[The angel carted his fingers through his hair, fisting the dark locks tight between his knuckles as he closes his eyes.]

I do not wish to disappoint you again. I don't want to put you in danger. I don't know what to do.

Cas? Cas! Hey, come on [He rushed to Cas's side, putting a hand on his back in an effort to comfort the angel]. Stop worrying about me, about what would disappoint me or make me happy. How about do something because you thnk it's the right thing to do. I might have been pissed, I might have felt betrayed but I never stopped believing in you.

[Castiel flinches at the touch, unable to stop himself when he does so. He opens his eyes, blue eyes darting up to meet those greens of Dean. He looks unsettled, weary, as a hand drops down from his hair and clings around the sleeve of Deans jacket.]

That... you needn't lie to me Dean. You lost faith in me, I deserve it.

I betrayed you. That much is unforgivable.

[Dean pulled his hand away at the flinch, not knowing what else to do. He couldn't take seeing Cas this way. No matter what he dd, he was still family, he still meant so much to Dean, as much as dean had tried to make himself stop caring about him]

I...Cas I'm not lying, I swear. I do believe in you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't, right? [He tried to force a smile but he could feel the tears threatening to fall]

Some twisted sense of loyalty.

[The angel murmured, his eyes falling from Deans gaze again. The angels body swayed, fingers scratching at his temple as he closed his eyes.]

Self punishment. Or Lucifer, he could be playing games with my mind. Dean wouldn't forgive me, he didn't. You can't be him.

[He looked up suddenly, a strange sense of determination in his eyes as he nodded.]

This is hell, I am being punished. Punished for my transgressions.

This isn't hell, believe me, I fuckinh know. [He grappled Cas by the shoulders and shoot him slightly]

Dammit Cas, snap out of it. I'm not saying we're totally fine, cause we're not...at all. Yeah you hurt me but I still care about up. I tried not to, I tried to hate you but I fucking couldn't and I don't want to.

[ Castiel is shaken and the angel looks up at Dean. He tilts his head, eyes widen and staring owlishly at the other. Dean.... He looked.... Castiel rested his hand on the hunters cheat, leaning close. He's never had a sense of personal boundaries. ]

You should. It would be better if you did. Better for you.

[Dean wrapped his arms around the smaller man without thinking. He didn't think he'd ever hugged Cas before]. You're wrong, and even if you were right since when do I do things cause their good for me? Just...shut up.

[ The embrace came as a surprise. Dean had never hugged Castiel, he kept his distance when he could. The angel found himself clinging on to Deans shirt involuntarily, burying his face in to the hunters neck.]

.... I missed you, Dean.

[He ran a hand up and down Cas's back, trying to get him to stay calm]

Much as I tried not to, I missed you too.

[Castiel is wise in the ways of not pushing Balthazar out of his (relatively narrow) comfort zone. Truthfully, he's more angry than regretful, but if they get started on all that they'll be talking feelings into eternity. He reaches out and primly picks a stray thread off the trenchcoat's collar, rubbing it between his fingers.]

Guilt, yes. I try to avoid guilt. What's the purpose? Doesn't change anything. We've done what we've done. Sometimes people have suffered. 'Sorry' is a nice sentiment, but it doesn't bring back the dead.

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My apologies, I am getting ready for an extended trip andthis fell to the wayside.

My apologies, I am getting ready for an extended trip and this fell to the wayside.

Hey no worries.

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No problem! I don't mind slow tags/backtags.