sixwordstories | (no subject)

Dude stop. STOP. Quit fuckin' around.

But it's like a clapper!!!! I could do this ALL DAY!!!!

What... are you... doing?

I'm lighting myself on FIRE, man!!! And then not. And then again!!!

I mean, if YOU could go all flaming and fly around shooting fire from your hands, wouldn't you do it?

I might try the flying part, but I think I could live without setting myself on fire.

So, um. I don't know if you've noticed, but you're kind of setting things on fire. Lots of things. Like trees. Park benches. And that gazebo there. Do you think you could stop that? People might have wanted to use that gazebo today.

[SUPER serious now] GAZEBOS ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Haven't you ever played D&D like a proper nerd? I am doing the world a favor!!!!

[He holds up his hands and tries to look as nonthreatening as he possibly can. This guy's nuts.] Okay, okay! The world owes you a favor for burning down that gazebo. Please just put the burning hands down, okay?

Okaaay.....flame off!

....

......FLAME ON!!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Well, you didn't light me or anything else on fire, so, um. Thanks for that.

Nah, just me!! I think the whole body is MADE of fire when I do this or something...

That's a weird way to put it. You're talking like your body isn't even yours.

It is yours, right?

Uh...yeah! It's mine! Totally mine! [Because a wish put him there, so it was his NOW. Possession being 9/10ths of the law and such.]

Yeah. Okay. [Because that sounded totally legit.]

Look. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but... I kind of need you to come with me. Without being on fire. You can do that, right?

NOPE! Stranger Danger!!!

... Okay. You got me there. So let's start over. My name's Andy.

Hi Andy, my name is Dead...Johnny! Dead Johnny!

Can I just call you Johnny? Because you don't look very dead to me.

[Mustering up her best Unimpressed Administrative Stinkeye--which, after a couple years in this gig, is nothing less than archly cutting--Neph pushes her chair out of range of the heat blast.] Do you have an appointment?

FLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEONFLAMEONFLAMEOFFFLAMEON...

What? I couldn't hear you over the sound of HOW AWESOME I AM!!!!

Yeah, that's just a nick name!! You know. Stuff.

Now WHY would you want a flaming dude to come with you? Other than the obvious slashy reasons.

[Right. Okay. She kicks off her desk, rolling her chair over to the fire extinguisher beside the filing cabinet, and pulls the pin off the handle. Because she's actually read the instructions, she knows to aim the blast at his feet.]

Well, you're kind of setting a lot of stuff on fire. And technically, I'm supposed to be arresting you. Helping to arrest you. You get the idea.

... And should I ask what 'slashy' is?

ARRESTING me??? Dude, you're like twelve! How can you arrest anybody?

Oh, you know. Gay porn on the internets. ...You do have that in 1991, right?

I'm not twelve. I'm almost seventeen!

And no. We definitely don't have that. I'm pretty sure someone would have mentioned it if we did.

...what the hell is even happening right now?