(no subject)

[bit_awkward]

I think I'm going to die.

Comments

[eph_everything]

Eventually, or imminently?

[bit_awkward]

Imminently. Probably now-ish. [Somebody hasn't been taking care of himself and now has the flu and is a baby.]

[eph_everything]

Symptoms?

[bit_awkward]

Nothing stays in, everything hurts, I think my nose is bleeding... Death rattles.

[eph_everything]

Uh huh.

Do you have a history of asthma, or any nasal abnormalities.

[bit_awkward]

I have a deviated septum but it's not really all that bad.

[eph_everything]

Okay. Well, congratulations: you have a virus. We've got a couple of nice ones going around. Go see your doctor, or go to a walk-in clinic; they can give you something. Probably Flonase. You should also pick up some Mucinex. Don't push for antibiotics: the flu is bad, C. diff is worse. Then, listen them when they tell you to stay in bed so you don't infect all of your friends and co-workers. Wash your hands. Get a flu shot once you feel better.

Before you ask: no, it's not Ebola.

[bit_awkward]

I don't need a doctor if it's just a virus, or a cold, or whatever you wanna call it. I'll just sweat it out with blankets and tea.
Antibiotics? No, no. And I haven't gone anywhere in two days so I wouldn't worry about that.

It feels more like the plague or something.

[eph_everything]

The Mucinex and Flonase could help to make you more comfortable, but it's your choice.

It is also very much not the plague. You can trust me on that.

[bit_awkward]

Well maybe the Mucinex. So you're a doctor then?

Are you sure? I feel like it is.

[eph_everything]

The population of the United States is about 318,800,000, and the average number of plague cases we see per year is seven. Which you have to admit are very good odds in your favor.

The CDC also regularly tests the rodent population to make sure plague bacteria doesn't currently pose a serious risk, which is a thing I know because: I am them.

[onthe_threshold]

Right now?

[bit_awkward]

Yes. I am going to die right now I think.