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[bit_awkward]

I’m old. And I hate change…

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[naturaldisasster]

Th’two are unrelated. [ She tapped her index fingers together for emphasis. ] Just say you’re a stick in th’mud and go on about your business…

[bit_awkward]

No I'm not a stick in the mud!

... [He frowns and throws his hands up.]

Okay, okay. I'm a stick in the mud. But still! I'm so sad sometimes when the times, they are a ch-chaaanging.

[naturaldisasster]

Was th’ singin’ absolutely necessary?

I don’t suppose there’s somethin’ specific changing that’s got your proverbial panties all bunched up?

[bit_awkward]

Yes, absolutely.

Just places I remember from being younger disappearing. It’s so strange. I hate it a little.

[naturaldisasster]

[ grumblemutter. ]

Much as it pains me t’admit it, I can see where you’re comin’ from.

[bit_awkward]

I also got called old by a young man again.

But it didn’t have to happen on the same day.

I went out on the town for the first time in ages. All my haunts are gone, I was already damaged and then… I got called old. [He sighs dramatically.]

[naturaldisasster]

[ She can relate to that, too, but she’s not yet ready to admit it aloud. ] Why do y’let that bother you? Somewhere there’s a snot-nosed punk callin’ him old. It’s all relative.

If someone poked fun of my age, I’d rub all the fun I was havin’ in their face, just for spite.

[bit_awkward]

The worst part is I get it and yeah I am old. Older now than ever. But getting nailed twice in one day. No one needs that kinda trauma!

Well I doubt anyone can poke fun at you for age! So at least you won’t ever have to worry about that.

[naturaldisasster]

[ She spares him a skeptical look over the rim of her cup; he doesn't look all that old to her, and yet it’s possible he’s ageless, a walking relic in shiny new paint.

And then she nearly chokes on her drink. ] Darlin’, if I got ‘nailed’ twice in one day, I wouldn’t be mopin’ about it…

What makes you say that? There’s always somebody younger… Faster, and stronger. I’m no exception t’that, even if I have got a baby-face.

[bit_awkward]

Not like that!! [He's a billion feet tall and bright read now. He looks like the north pole.] You know what I meant!

That's true. But I don't need to be reminded of it jeez~

[naturaldisasster]

Do I? [ It was an honest mistake, but now that he’s blushing, she’s gonna go for the kill. ] ‘Cause it sounded t’me like you were havin’ quite th’time. What kinda party was it? Twins? Or swingers? And why wasn’t I invited?

Listen, if you really need t’feel like an extra on th’set of Baywatch, try visiting an old-folks home. [ Or a funeral home she thought, but kept to herself. ] Otherwise, quit yer belly-achin’.

[bit_awkward]

On a list of never have I ever, all those things are on it.

[She's cruel.]

[naturaldisasster]

[ He doesn’t know the half of it. ] Yea, me neither.

Sorry, y’did say it was twice in one day, not two at a time. So th’lucky duckies were unrelated, then.

[bit_awkward]

[He might freak out just a little. He’s easily broken when people start talking about this sort of thing.]

No twins. And I’ve certainly never… with two separate people on the same day. That is not how any of this works.

[naturaldisasster]

I don’t follow. That’s not how what works? Sex? [ Now let’s see if she can get him to say it. ]

Not big into orgies then, I take it?

[bit_awkward]

Relations. [He refuses!

Never been to one. Likely never will.

[naturaldisasster]

I thought y’said they weren’t related. [ She’s deliberately misunderstanding now… ]

Y’just gotta meet th’right people. Th’in-crowd. [ Or the in-and-out crowd. She amuses herself. ]

[bit_awkward]

You will be the absolute death of me! [He could cry, at the very least he's all huffy.

He really could just die a little.]

I don't think I ever could. Imagine me, at an orgy. How strange would I look? Looming over naked bodies. I'm a mood killer by myself let alone in a group.

[naturaldisasster]

Can’t be helped. I see an upstandin’ citizen, such as yourself, with good manners and I think to myself I’m gonna turn his day t’shit. How’m I doin’, so far?

If there was ever any doubt that you’ve never been, the idea that looming is th’worst y’could do in an orgy would be all the proof I ever needed. Y’know what that is? That’s a gross misperception.

[bit_awkward]

Well it's certainly not shit but it is weirder than average.

What is the worst thing you could do at an orgy?
It's what would happen! I wouldn't know what to do so I'd just stand there awkwardly. Trying to figure out where I'd fit in to it all.

[naturaldisasster]

Just means I’ll have t’try harder.

Stickin’ without askin’. Not listenin’ to yer partner, obviously… [ A thoughtful look. ] Or bein’ squeamish, I suppose. If you’re th’sort t’ask “Why is everything so sticky?” it probably ain’t gonna work out for you…

If you’re worried about bein’ a wallflower, I promise, somebody would figure it out for you.

[bit_awkward]

Please don't, I think my poor brain couldn't take it.

Okay I might not know anything about orgies but if anyone goes to an orgy and doesn't know why its sticky you're right, it isn't going to work out. [Even he knows it'd be a sticky, sweaty, mess and he's never even thought about it.]

Oh yeah someone would certainly look at me and go "I'd like to ride that beanstalk. I'm havin' that." [An over exasperated eye roll is heading your way.] I'd get asked to leave in a heartbeat. "Excuse me sir you're awkward energy is giving the room bad vibes..." Is more like it.

[naturaldisasster]

Sorry, cher, but I am merciless by nature.

See? You’ve already got th’orgy etiquette more or less pegged. [ She smirks at her own double-entendres.

At that, Oni let’s out an unflattering bark of laughter. ] —Oh, you’re serious. Wait, so your argument is you’re too tall to bone? Does that make me extra fuckable because I’m… Not tall? [ We don’t say “short” in Oni’s presence unless we’re looking to get kneecapped. ]

[bit_awkward]

I'd've never guessed.

[Even he has to smile at that though.] Too bad I'll never use it.

That's not the only reason. I'm pale, I'm boney, I have a three pack, and I have a potato for a personality. Should I go on? The list can get wider. [He doesn't wanna be kneecapped.]

asdfghjk that icon! XD

[naturaldisasster]

Then I fear I’m not leavin’ th’right impression.

[ She holds her hands up in mock surrender; The goal here wasn’t to send him down a spiral of self-flagellation. ] If it ain’t your cup of tea, that’s your prerogative. No one’s gonna hold a gun to yer head and make you get gross with a bunch of strangers.

All I’m sayin’ is right now, someone, somewhere, is jackin’ off to th’thought of a pale, bony potato with a three-pack. I’ll leave it at that.

smerch butts the best butts

[bit_awkward]

What sort of impression were you looking for.

[It's so easy to do. He's a potato.] It's not. I like more, one on one focused stuff.

That poor person.