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[Thankfully, she'd gotten most of her crying done while he slept. Now she just felt.....empty]

I can't hit a cripple, I wouldn't do well in jail.

Edited 2010-05-01 05:31 (UTC)

I wouldn't tell on you. (Sighing, he looked away. If he could shuffle his feet, he would be.)

I'm sorry Megan, I...I wasn't myself.

[Before she could stop herself, a quiet, humorless laugh fell from her lips]

I know you weren't. They had you on some pretty heavy drugs.

(Cringing further he tried to almost hide himself in his pillow.)

I meant before that..

Please stop apologizing. You don't want to be here and I know it. That's fine.

[Of course, when she said 'here' she wasn't just referring to the VA center, but New York City.

(He didn't exactly pick up on that.)

Would you? I've been stuck in a hospital for so long I've almost forgotten what the sky looks like. I just feel...(He trailed off. This part was hard for him.)

[He had her full attention now, though. Despite everything that had happened, she cared about him more than she should. It was what had kept her in the room while he slept when she knew she should go home]

You're going to be just fine, you know. This center is the best, and you're one of the strongest people I know. It doesn't always feel that way, I know that, but you're going to be fine.

I'm not though, Megan. (He brought up his hand to rub at his eyes. He didn't want to talk about this, but he had to.) I'm not ever going to be..right again. Not entirely. I'll probably never be able to use my hand correctly again and the...confusion, disorientation and...fucking mood swings probably won't leave either. Who is going to hire someone, no, who is going to want to be around someone that might freak out and turn a table over just because he forgot his phone number? I can't even..I can't even stop it. It just happens and I hate it and I hate myself but I can't do anything to control it.

(Sighing, he just looked defeated now. Weak for letting it get to him like this.) I can't keep letting you stay here with me. I can't keep holding you back to deal with my baggage. I love you, so...I have to let you go.

[Steeling herself as he spoke, at his last sentence she couldn't hold back any longer. The chair scraped quietly on the floor as she pushed up, crossing the room to him. Without hesitation, she reached out to take his face between her hands]

You're not holding me back from anything, alright? This is where I want to be. I want to be with you. [Her thumbs brushing back and forth over his cheeks, she gave another weak smile] Defective hand, anger management problems and all.

(He had really almost thought she was going to take him up on the offer to hit him when she crossed the room. She had moved so suddenly, it made his heart pick up anxiously. He listened to her and had no choice but to nod.) I will never ask you to leave again...I don't think I could do this without you.

[As soon as he made it out of the hospital, she might go for that offer after all. The last thing she needed was some nurse coming in just as she hauled back. Tears burning at her eyes again, she brushed her lips softly across his forehead] You have to let me in, alright? I know it's hard, but I can do this with you if you let me.

Edited 2010-05-01 06:22 (UTC)

(Nodding, he closed his eyes as she pressed her lips to his forehead. It was easier said then done but he had to try, he had to let her in as much as he could, starting now.)

I feel like a failure.

Don't. Please don't. [Sighin quietly, she rested her forehead against his] I wasn't lying before, you know. You're one of the stronget people I know. If anybody can do this, you can. Just know that you're not alone.

It's not just..(His head rolled against hers slightly as he struggled with what he wanted to say. He could feel the words burning in his throat but he couldn't make them come out. It haunted his nightmares and knew he could stop them until he spoke the words but that didn't make it any easier.)

I didn't save them...

[She froze slightly at the words. It was the first time he'd said anything about what happened and she as honestly at a loss as to what to do. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she slipped her arms around him to pull him against her chest]

The nightmares you've been having....that's what they're about, aren't they?

I was given one job and I didn't...I couldn't...(He didn't need to answer, or confirm her question. Whenever he was alone, it was all he thought about, when his mind wandered it always came back to them, the men he should have saved but didn't. He hide his head in her shoulder as his arm held her to him.)

That wasn't your fault. [Her voice was a low whisper and she rested her cheek on his shoulder, smoothing her hand up and down his back] You did everything you could.

(He wanted to believe her, he really did, but he couldn't. It was entirely his fault. Obviously it was or else he would be dead like everyone else, but he wasn't and it was because he had failed.) I should have done better.

No, you did absolutely everything you should have. Things go wrong, Colin, and what happened out there wasn't your fault. You have to know that.

(Tears stung his eyes so he kept them clamped shut and didn't trust himself to speak. He wouldn't cry in front of her, not again. He may be a broken record of repeats but today he would be better. He counted to 20 in his mind before he was able to release a shakey breath.)...thank you.

[She pressed her face into the crown of his head one hand moving all the way up to the back of his neck before sliding down over his back again] I love you, and everything's going to be ok

(She believed it so much that he almost could too.) I love you.

Just....please don't push me away again. [Lifing her head, she put two fingers beneath his chin, tilting his face up so she could meet his gaze] I'll do everything I can to help you.