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[ That got a faintly amused look askance from Ganymede as he fastened a sturdy, heavily embroidered collar around Patch's neck, letting the dog shake his head to settle it down. ] You mean a collar?

Yes, there is. But not like these.

There is? [Ash paused and looked up at Ganymede, surprise clearly written on his face.]

Yes, I have a collar. I even wore one for...almost a decade.

But it's not cloth and ribbon like these. Mine's white gold.

Who did you wear it for?

His name was Dorian. You've seen his face in the box of my family.

[ He sighs gently; not all his loves have been in the distant past, and remembering their passing does still bring him pain. ]

Ten years, huh? Long time.

[With his best friend Felix finally in his collar Ash straightens back up.]

Think we're ready to hit the road, old man.

It was. [ He's still and quiet for a moment, brain racing to collect thoughts like scattered leves with the terrible sense he's absolutely said something wrong. He turns the band around his finger incessantly, thumb rubbing over the smooth-polished surface almost like a worry stone. And then he decides to blurt out the rest of it. ]

We were together eleven years in all, and...yes, most of it had a distinct master-and-servant attitude. But he wasn't cruel, or heartless, he wasn't like Noah, the way you described the contract you had. I did love him. He died, that was what ended it. I was the one that found him.

[Ash froze for a breath when he mentioned Noah. He took a breath and let it out slowly.]

You never mentioned this before.

Because you had that. And you didn't like it.

[ He hadn't meant to keep things secret, but he'd assumed Ashley hadn't wanted anything of that nature in their relationship, after the talk they'd had about Noah, and the contract, and how it had made Ashley feel. Ganymede never wanted his husband to think he only loved him out of obligation, because he didn't. ]

I had...[He shakes his head.] Doesn't matter. Is that something you need? Or want? It mattered enough to you that you kept a collar, not just a picture.

Say it. It matters to me.

[ He hooked a fingertip in Felix's collar, absently straightening the fringe of little tassels that edged it. ] I kept it because it's valuable, and because it's pretty. And yes, it does remind me of someone I loved--not the acts of what we did. Do I need that kind of relationship again, no. Full stop. It was never something I needed in the first place.

Then why did you do it?

Oh, several reasons. He liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. It was comfortable--I know the rules, I can exist within those confines easily.

I agreed to it, and I don't regret that time, but wearing a collar all the time and being entirely submissive wasn't something I needed to feel happy or complete. But you asked if I had one, and I didn't--and don't--want to lie.

It wasn't what you needed to be happy or content. Then what did you get out of it?

Companionship, constancy when I needed it. Someone who understood that I wanted...something difficult to put into words. I wanted the uncnditional affection, and if I couldn't get it, then I would take whatever conditions I could live with.

How could you not get exactly what you want out of a relationship? Why would you ever settle?

And for so long.

Because...everyone has conditions, Ash. Everyone. And...if those conditions are easy enough to fill, then why not?

Okay. I'm not sure I have anything else to say to that. I understand and it was your life. I'm not going to judge your choices.

Say you don't hold it against me? Say you never would have done it? Say...anything.

Why would I hold it against you?

...I'm not upset. I just don't want to keep asking you questions about it.

I don't know. I feel like I've said something wrong, though.

I don't ever mind you asking questions about anything, you know that. I like that you want to know, even if it's not something you'd ever like, or do, or want.

I can have feelings about what we're talking about without being angry or upset with you.

Is it something you would like to do or want?

I know. And I like it when you do--but you usually tell me about them.

It's...not the same way, no. I thought about using one on you. But not the one I have, it's not a play collar.

I'm not sure exactly what I am feeling about it. Or how to express it. It's not...I'm not upset. Or mad.

You thought about it. Why didn't you tell me? Sometimes I worry that there are things you need and want and you aren't telling me because you worry you'll scare me off or something.

No, baby. [ Finally he lets out a soft huff of air like a little laugh. ] I hadn't asked you about it, because I hadn't figured out how to ask you playfully without it being a dog joke. Not because I was worried about your reaction.

I know you would have considered it--but we've played with toys before, and you didn't hate them then, I didn't think you'd hate the idea now.